Self inflickted Wound (The Sad Blog)

Friday, January 25, 2008
Current mood: depressed

As I am sitting hear writing this blog I am very depressed and out of line. I'm sorry to say but my heart and mind is in so much pain I feel like I almost can't do anything anymore. As I wake up each day I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to be happy about. It is not the fact that I have been sent away to college that I'm sad about it's everything around me. Yes I have wonder what it feels like to die or disappear so that no one cares. No I have not made any suicide attempts and not planning on it.

I won't allow my self to share my all with everyone. Has the true Rhiana even existed? I hurt so much like you wouldn't believe. I sit hear crying inside and out wondering about what has happend in my life and question why these things happen to me. Not only that I am blind physically but emotionally. Meaning that I can't see what people feel about me. Yes I tell other people how I feel and it feels like they don't often feel the same way.

I hate being looked down upon all the time. Why am I always viewed as the stupid or retarded one? Why do people often make me feel as if I should die and I am worthless. I don't have anything that someone can be jealous of so what's the fucking problem. No one in my family seems to understand me in what I go or/went to. I now for some reason I feel as if my friend think or feel the same way.

I often feel like there in no room in someones heart to have love for me. There is a huge difference between someone saying "I love you" vs showing it and proving it to you. When I do hear the words "I love you" it is often out of some one saying sorry to me. I don't think I was ever truly loved in my life time. Because if I was I wouldn't have so many people turning their backs on me.

My stress is something that often bothers me as well. I stress over the most little things. When I stress to hard I get sick. I just don't just stress on the things that were surrounding me on a daily basis it's my family putting me on responsibilities that should not be mine and my friends that I worry for.

God I don't feel well as I speak and if you want to know more just send me a message.
Help me before I die!