One fucked up blog

Sunday, February 10, 2008
Current mood: stressed

This blog is about my mother. Yes this woman has brought me in this world. But she might as well should have gotten an abortion from the way start if she knew that I was not going to be of any importance in her life. It's not just me who has been abandoned it's all of us that are her children. She was lefted me with so many problems and responsibilities where to begin.

First of all I love my mother because she is my mother. If she was of not relation to me and did not bring me into this world then I would just flat out have no respect for her.

I know that there is some of you out there who don't have one because she is dead or you have never meet her. So I truly hope I am not offending anyone in any way. If so, I apologize.
First of all my mother had her first child when she was 17 years old. That was my brother. I have herd different stories about this situation.1) She did not want or knew how to take care of him. 2) My grandparents took him away from her. 3) ect...
Now that tells me right there she missed her first shot at being a real mother to her first born child. Of course she was young at the time and having a child is more than enough for her to handle. Let alone anyone else.

When I was born my mother was 25 years old still young. But this time she had a little more help by a man who is known as my father.
From my understanding I have herd from family members as well as them that the relationship between them went good etc... But the problem was that something happened and until this day I do not know the truth. My parents both told me that one cheated on the other. So that's an unsolved mystery.

The next part is me forever being blind in my left eye. This happened when I was five years old. My mother was outside of the car talking doing whatever not watching me of course! Then in the back seat of the car was a bear bottle and a wrench. A child that sat next to me hit the bottle with the tool and it exploded everywhere and got into my eye. From that moment in time my vision will never be the same.

Now comes the time where my life is fucked up for good. I was told that when my mother was pregnant with me she drank alcohol. She even told me herself! To add on to that is where my education is fucked over for good. Meaning that when I was a little girl I never use to talk to anyone. Which gave the people the impression that I was born retarded. Until it was discovered when I was in the fourth grade that I was not suppose to be in special ed classes. It took me until the 11th grade to be put in normal classes. I find it damn surprising I graduated and made it to college on my own.

Another huge change in my life is when I no longer lived with her as in July 4, 1998. What happened was that on that day is when I had that fear of ever living with her again. I saw a SWAT team with guns and everything. I was so scared I thought I was going to die. It turns out that one of her stupid friends lied and said there was a gun in the house. I did not want to come back with her when that happened. So I ended up being under the care of my grandparents for 8 years.

During that time my mom asked me to live with her. I said no for many reasons. The fact of the matter is she didn't have her shit together at all. She still doesn't until this day. So why should I go back. If she wanted her children back then she should have done it along time ago.
Yes there were a few times that she got an apartment and did good for a while. But then she started inviting those stupid people she calls friends over and gets evicted. But I all ready knew that every single time. On top of that I will never have that bond with my brothers and sister.
The thing I also wanted to bring up is her problem and her problem between me and her. Her main problem is that she is an alcoholic and the she has very high blood pressure and almost died god knows how many times. I have also had that theory that she has been on other drugs. That's fucked up I know. Along with the high blood pressure came her having two minor strokes. I think that it gave her some type of brain damage that makes her act like a child sometimes which drives me fucking crazy. I even got mad and lost my temper about that.
You see the problem between me and her is many things. I hate it when she tells me not to do certain things when I have never even done such things or even come close to it. For an example she got mail in her po box from sharps hospital. On the mail it said for Rhiana Wilson and it had information about pregnancy. She lost her fucking mind thinking that I was pregnant let alone lost my virginity. I got really pissed because normally all mail that is addressed to me is sent to my house. I told her that it was uncalled for.

Another issue I had with my bother me was about the prom situation. She started crying because she could not get me ready. The thing she did not clearly understand was that this whole the was planned in advance before she came into the picture. The main thing was that I was getting my hair done In south east and everyone knows when you are a black female with nappy ass hair like mine you have to go down there in order to get your hair done. I also told her she has another daughter to experience with that. I know that was plain fucked up. On top of that I got into an argument with my grandparents about it.

She was not there for so many things in my life. Especially when I had some of the most important events and meetings and my life. Yet and still my family members say well she did a few nice things for you. That's a few! But it cannot compare to all the bad thing she has done to me.

My grandmother said I have no heart for saying this but this is the truth by all means. My mother is gone so much to the point where I see never see her. To the point where when I do see her my feelings are blank. I have nothing to say. To me it feels like she is dead. I said that if my mother were to die tomorrow it would make no difference. I cried all of my tears a long time ago. So there is nothing else I can do.

So all I have left is my family. My brother was suppose to take care of us. He was unable to. So now I have to take care of my brother add my sister and well as my two nieces. That is a lot of responsibility. My job is to make sure that I am successful and take care of the young ones. I may be in college right now but I know when the time comes I have to take the responsibility off of my grandparents.

You know what is truly sad. I never got to know my mother as the person she truly is. I cannot miss judge her all the way. I don't hate my mother. I just wish I was able to have a real mother who could teach me many values of life. As well as tell me that she loves me as often as I would like to hear. I wish so many things. By the same token you cannot change the past. I will try in the future to get her back on her feet. But first of all I have to take care of my family and make a better future for them.