.by Rhiana Wilson on Thursday, December 2, 2010 at 8:50am.
Today Marks the 10 year anniversary of my aunts death. I cant believe it's been this long. 10 years ago marked a death of a beautiful intelligent woman. She had an ultimate love for God and a passion for education. She died at 29 years old of a liver disease. She would have been about 38 or 39 this year if she still were alive. I wonder what kind of direction my family would have been into today. Especially the children or are now growing into adults and finding their own paths. The only thing I have that she has ever given to me was an Egyptian bracelet. Which took me years to get back. This woman traveled countries to explore some of her greatest desires. According to everyone in my family she was a well respected woman and goal oriented. I wonder if she were to still be alive today, if that would have made some kind of impact over many decisions in recent years. I'm not sure to be honest.
The night she died seemed like an ordinary night. My cousin was at a party my uncle was over at the house and my other cousins and I were playing power stone. My uncle game into the room everyone thought he was trying to bother us. Then he said, “Aunt Nikki died”. Everyone broke down in a state of sorrow and confusion. People wept the night away. I was the only one who didn't break down and cry I think I may have had two tears but the death didn't really impact me at all. That night my brothers pregnant girlfriend called my cousin at the party and told her the news. Everyone heard her freaking out on the phone. So we went to go and get her. That long drive to the party was hearing the Chronic 2001 album. The song that I remembered hearing the most was. “whats the difference between me and you”? My cousin cried so hard that night I have never seen her that sad before.
Prior to her death. I remember many days and night spending time in the Keiser perminente hospital on sunset blvd.. I was in the hospital so much I knew my entire away around the place. Till this day, I'm not exactly sure to why my grandmother brought me to the hospital with her over and over gain. While she was laying there to her death in that hospital bed, I never felt sad or cried a single tear. I do remember many days where the sun was shining inside of her window so bright. I don't think I remember being there on a rainy or gloomy day. My aunt never acted as she was dying she always kept the smile on her face and carried on a normal conversation. If anything it seemed as if more life came out of her as her body weakened by the day.
To be honest, I don't have very many memories of her. One I remember walking up to the Muslim church with her and she made me a hijab and I wore it. I asked her so many questions the biggest question I remembered asking was “why are then men and women in separate places?” She explained it to me and I forgot what she told me. I remember screaming out side because I saw a June Bug. She told me to calm down and that I shouldn’t be afraid because it's a creature of god. I remember my cousin and I being at her house we looked up will smith on the computer and she made garlic bread out of hot dog buns. I remember her giving us the bracelets before we went to Oregon. That's It..
All of the children in the family had some kind of special relationships and a list of memories with her. I wonder why I didn't get to see her a much as the other children or got to spend time. I would say that they are lucky to get to know such a person and have such memories. Years have gone by since her death and my cousins can always share a story or some kind of memory with her. Maybe that’s why I wasn't so hard hit about her death as everyone else. But I still miss her and wonder how life and the family would have been especially the children of the family. Even my younger brother and sister got to know her better.
One thing that bothers me about her death is how my grandmother keeps getting upset over it. Sometimes I wish that she was better. A person can never rest in peace in your eyes unless unless you learn to come with peace with god and yourself. I may have not have had someone close to me die yet. But I do understand where she is coming from. I hope one day she and others will find peace with god about her death.
Aunt Nikki I love you and I miss you. May you rest in peace in paradise.
-Rhi
.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Little Ladies Part 2 (Thanksgivng weekend)
.by Rhiana Wilson on Thursday, December 2, 2010 at 7:51am. Thanksgiving weekend,
I saw some of the little ladies yes I did. I was so proud of them to see their smiles. I was thankful of having them in my life. How good or bad the little ladies are, you can help but refused the smiles of their faces.
Pebbles-How cute she was with her smile so bright. She danced to the tune of the purple dinosaur. I taught her hydraulics with a mini truck. She and I started bonding. Singing and dancing and played with her toys. I was so glad to spend time with my pebbles I'm looking forward to many more.
Art- My little Art how cute you are. Every time I'm around you I want to smile. Your just like like your sister as sweet as can be. Your never afraid to show a smile and aw the crowd with your sense of personality. It's always funny when I fight with pillows over you.
Ducky-My little ducky I'm so proud of you. I love the smile and hugs you give me. I'm so excited to see what you will be like in a few years. Your a good kid lets keep it this way. Keep doing you little lady!
Red- I love you so much. I'm happy your here. But realize you aren't the only one in pain. Your young have fun and focus on what you need. No matter where I am I will keep an eye on you. And You will learn it's not always about you.
.
I saw some of the little ladies yes I did. I was so proud of them to see their smiles. I was thankful of having them in my life. How good or bad the little ladies are, you can help but refused the smiles of their faces.
Pebbles-How cute she was with her smile so bright. She danced to the tune of the purple dinosaur. I taught her hydraulics with a mini truck. She and I started bonding. Singing and dancing and played with her toys. I was so glad to spend time with my pebbles I'm looking forward to many more.
Art- My little Art how cute you are. Every time I'm around you I want to smile. Your just like like your sister as sweet as can be. Your never afraid to show a smile and aw the crowd with your sense of personality. It's always funny when I fight with pillows over you.
Ducky-My little ducky I'm so proud of you. I love the smile and hugs you give me. I'm so excited to see what you will be like in a few years. Your a good kid lets keep it this way. Keep doing you little lady!
Red- I love you so much. I'm happy your here. But realize you aren't the only one in pain. Your young have fun and focus on what you need. No matter where I am I will keep an eye on you. And You will learn it's not always about you.
.
What do you think of me? (Friendship)
.by Rhiana Wilson on Thursday, December 2, 2010 at 8:24am.
As of a few minutes ago, I woke up from a dream. I dream was about an important part of my past. Quite a few of you have heard and experienced the story. No matter how much I am over the situation, something keeps reminding me of it even if I'm not thinking about it at all. Long story short I lost a friend that was very Important to me. No there was no physical death involved but I'm very disappointed in how our friendship ended. There's some situations that are left to be unfixed and there is a reason for doing so. I'm my dream, I ran into this same person in another world. All this person did was talk about my negative attributes to everyone. But failed to tell the rest of the world the other half of what we use to experience as a friendship. Time and time again I wondered if I should restore this burning bridge. Yet and still those very words that were being said to me still hurt. I always question myself and ask, “Is that what you truly think of me?.”
It doesn't matter what you think. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The truth hurts. Not matter how many tears fall from my eyes or how angry I get. I would rather have you tell me the truth right away instead of being angry and threaten or decided to end our friendship. Any true friend would say how they feel and allow the other to respond to the situation in a mature matter. I say timing is important so much build up can take the situation way out of proportion. If your friendship is that Important to you, say how you feel. Allow the other person to give feed back and work on building instead of destroying it. Easier said then done Right? My grandma always use to tell me that, “true friends are like diamonds rare and hard to find and other are like fallen leaves”. There is so much truth in the quote it's self. When it comes to friendship, one of the things like always play a major role is miscommunication and misunderstanding. People always tell you that you are responsible for your actions and life’s decisions. There may be a lot of truth that however, sometimes you do things for so long without realizing it. For some reason it always seems to be one of the people you care about the most who points out that negative trait. It's never a persons job or right to change you for who you are. But it is there job to guide you in improving your life skills.
“Rhiana oh Rhiana! You are something else. You have have a mind of your own you are just out there!”My life, the life that I am living now is an important era to my time line. Each and everyday I face and encounter the new challenges of what life is suppose to be in the world of adults. They say I'm only 21 years old and my life is nothing compared to one that is twice my age and that I have it so easy. Unfortunate or not, it is not a contest of who has had the most difficult life or who is living the better like. I’m aware better or worse “living situations” will always come before me. They say as a 21 year old I am suppose to know what I want to be and expected to have that desire of living the “American dream”. I ask, “What is the American dream?”. They tell me not to play stupid. Yeah I know what it means.
Time and time again, I get nothing but criticism and doubt. It almost seems like a drug habit for some of you out there to underestimate me. There have been many things in my life time that I have proved to you wrong. I am not afraid to do it over and over again. I am not perfect I am a human being just like that few billion of exist on the rest of planet earth. I may take time no one said that I can challenge your accusation over night. Just like you, I have a line of people expecting me to fail or thinking that I am going to fail all together. “Nothing beats a failure but a try”. Yeah. Lets keep it that way. I may tell you from time to time that I am going to prove you wrong. But don't expect me to stand there with a sign saying “The World has got me wrong”. In time, not a word has to be said and once again they will be proven wrong. I love challenges it something that I always crave. No matter how many times I get knocked down in the boxing ring I keep fighting. I may have scratches and bruises all over. After a while they are nothing but a few extra pieces of my canvas. Rhi cannot be destroyed it just to beginning and besides. I find things more entertaining in life when it comes to a challenge. My friends all the world is a stage. Every day is a rehearsal and final performance. Life with it and stay strong. The Question is what do you think of me? TBC......
.
As of a few minutes ago, I woke up from a dream. I dream was about an important part of my past. Quite a few of you have heard and experienced the story. No matter how much I am over the situation, something keeps reminding me of it even if I'm not thinking about it at all. Long story short I lost a friend that was very Important to me. No there was no physical death involved but I'm very disappointed in how our friendship ended. There's some situations that are left to be unfixed and there is a reason for doing so. I'm my dream, I ran into this same person in another world. All this person did was talk about my negative attributes to everyone. But failed to tell the rest of the world the other half of what we use to experience as a friendship. Time and time again I wondered if I should restore this burning bridge. Yet and still those very words that were being said to me still hurt. I always question myself and ask, “Is that what you truly think of me?.”
It doesn't matter what you think. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The truth hurts. Not matter how many tears fall from my eyes or how angry I get. I would rather have you tell me the truth right away instead of being angry and threaten or decided to end our friendship. Any true friend would say how they feel and allow the other to respond to the situation in a mature matter. I say timing is important so much build up can take the situation way out of proportion. If your friendship is that Important to you, say how you feel. Allow the other person to give feed back and work on building instead of destroying it. Easier said then done Right? My grandma always use to tell me that, “true friends are like diamonds rare and hard to find and other are like fallen leaves”. There is so much truth in the quote it's self. When it comes to friendship, one of the things like always play a major role is miscommunication and misunderstanding. People always tell you that you are responsible for your actions and life’s decisions. There may be a lot of truth that however, sometimes you do things for so long without realizing it. For some reason it always seems to be one of the people you care about the most who points out that negative trait. It's never a persons job or right to change you for who you are. But it is there job to guide you in improving your life skills.
“Rhiana oh Rhiana! You are something else. You have have a mind of your own you are just out there!”My life, the life that I am living now is an important era to my time line. Each and everyday I face and encounter the new challenges of what life is suppose to be in the world of adults. They say I'm only 21 years old and my life is nothing compared to one that is twice my age and that I have it so easy. Unfortunate or not, it is not a contest of who has had the most difficult life or who is living the better like. I’m aware better or worse “living situations” will always come before me. They say as a 21 year old I am suppose to know what I want to be and expected to have that desire of living the “American dream”. I ask, “What is the American dream?”. They tell me not to play stupid. Yeah I know what it means.
Time and time again, I get nothing but criticism and doubt. It almost seems like a drug habit for some of you out there to underestimate me. There have been many things in my life time that I have proved to you wrong. I am not afraid to do it over and over again. I am not perfect I am a human being just like that few billion of exist on the rest of planet earth. I may take time no one said that I can challenge your accusation over night. Just like you, I have a line of people expecting me to fail or thinking that I am going to fail all together. “Nothing beats a failure but a try”. Yeah. Lets keep it that way. I may tell you from time to time that I am going to prove you wrong. But don't expect me to stand there with a sign saying “The World has got me wrong”. In time, not a word has to be said and once again they will be proven wrong. I love challenges it something that I always crave. No matter how many times I get knocked down in the boxing ring I keep fighting. I may have scratches and bruises all over. After a while they are nothing but a few extra pieces of my canvas. Rhi cannot be destroyed it just to beginning and besides. I find things more entertaining in life when it comes to a challenge. My friends all the world is a stage. Every day is a rehearsal and final performance. Life with it and stay strong. The Question is what do you think of me? TBC......
.
The little ladies part 1
by Rhiana Wilson on Tuesday, November 9, 2010 at 1:22pm
As I get older I realize that I have a lot of little ones to look after. As an aunt, god mother, and big sister I have a major job to do in protecting these little ones as they grow. Hopefully one day they grow up to be beautiful intelligent women with the ability to take on some of life's biggest challenges without completely destroying their selves. I want these young ladies to grow up with a free and creative mind. The important part is that they will have the ability to think outside if the box and become heros on their own. As a young woman, I still have much growing up to do on my own. I know that I haven't made the best of decisions in recent years. However, my job is to make sure that these little ladies don't make the horrible mistakes that I have made and protect them from many dangers that lie ahead. I may not be a real super hero, but i know as long as a fight. These ladies should turn out to he okay. I realize that people are going to do what they want and I respect that. But for what it's worth if I can keep them out of harms way. By all means I will.
This series of blogs is about the little ladies that have a lot of growing up to do. I plan on sharing stories and opinions. I will have several stories about them but some may be longer than others it depends. At the start I'm going to introduce their real names and come up with nick names as I tell the stories.
Here the lists of ladies and a brief intro.
Alana- my bratty little sister. I love her to death. This is the one I'm going to have to watch out for the most. She's very smart and speaks her mind. She has quite the mouth on her at times. All the needs to do is talk to me! Lol
Nicole- One of the sweetest little girls I have ever met. Very unselfish. Smart. A big sister that is one of a kind. She's hard headed at times. Very small but doesn't let her size stop her.
Makadi- Nicole's first little sister. She's shy and sweet. Quite the talker. She loves her big sister to death. Very smart little girl.
Patorianna- such a cute little girl. Smart. And I can tell that when shes older she ain't gonna take crap from anyone.
Emery- my god daughter. She's cute. She's funny. She's bratty and very smart. Did I forget to mention that this little girl loves to eat? She talks a lot too!
Alana Q- girl you just came into this world. Your family loves you to death! Cute little baby and gangsta like her auntie! You are a robosa girl. It outta be interesting to see how you grow up. Your a smart baby but make sure you charge those fools for doing their hw lol.
Asa- you are so cute! You look exactly like your daddy! One thing i admire about you is how you such a happy baby! You remind me a lot of Nicole of when she was little. As a matter of fact Asa, your changed the way I thought about having kids on the future. I may want one after all later on. That fact that you are such a happy baby is classic.
As I get older I realize that I have a lot of little ones to look after. As an aunt, god mother, and big sister I have a major job to do in protecting these little ones as they grow. Hopefully one day they grow up to be beautiful intelligent women with the ability to take on some of life's biggest challenges without completely destroying their selves. I want these young ladies to grow up with a free and creative mind. The important part is that they will have the ability to think outside if the box and become heros on their own. As a young woman, I still have much growing up to do on my own. I know that I haven't made the best of decisions in recent years. However, my job is to make sure that these little ladies don't make the horrible mistakes that I have made and protect them from many dangers that lie ahead. I may not be a real super hero, but i know as long as a fight. These ladies should turn out to he okay. I realize that people are going to do what they want and I respect that. But for what it's worth if I can keep them out of harms way. By all means I will.
This series of blogs is about the little ladies that have a lot of growing up to do. I plan on sharing stories and opinions. I will have several stories about them but some may be longer than others it depends. At the start I'm going to introduce their real names and come up with nick names as I tell the stories.
Here the lists of ladies and a brief intro.
Alana- my bratty little sister. I love her to death. This is the one I'm going to have to watch out for the most. She's very smart and speaks her mind. She has quite the mouth on her at times. All the needs to do is talk to me! Lol
Nicole- One of the sweetest little girls I have ever met. Very unselfish. Smart. A big sister that is one of a kind. She's hard headed at times. Very small but doesn't let her size stop her.
Makadi- Nicole's first little sister. She's shy and sweet. Quite the talker. She loves her big sister to death. Very smart little girl.
Patorianna- such a cute little girl. Smart. And I can tell that when shes older she ain't gonna take crap from anyone.
Emery- my god daughter. She's cute. She's funny. She's bratty and very smart. Did I forget to mention that this little girl loves to eat? She talks a lot too!
Alana Q- girl you just came into this world. Your family loves you to death! Cute little baby and gangsta like her auntie! You are a robosa girl. It outta be interesting to see how you grow up. Your a smart baby but make sure you charge those fools for doing their hw lol.
Asa- you are so cute! You look exactly like your daddy! One thing i admire about you is how you such a happy baby! You remind me a lot of Nicole of when she was little. As a matter of fact Asa, your changed the way I thought about having kids on the future. I may want one after all later on. That fact that you are such a happy baby is classic.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Her conversation with a mirror
As she stood there naked the looked at her body. She looked at the mirror and asked this question,"mirror, mirror on the wall am I the even a slight bit fare at all? I am not sure how to define myself am I a beauty or something else?". The mirror came alive and scared her. The mirror responded and began to have a conversation with her.
Mirror: I am but a mirror and a mirror alone. I am around the world. They all look at me. The asked the same questions over and over seeking an answer. My job is to reflect anything that range. Your body, the objects in the room, the very things you do. I am a mirror and I see all that is in range. I was created so you can see how you look. I can see the changes your body makes. I know of your emotions and your private moments. When thing that I can never do is tell you who you are. I can never tell you how fare you are the decision is yours and yours alone. If I had an opinion of what I thought of people, many wouldn't carry me around of have me in their homes. Lady why do you choose to ask an object of weather or not your beauty is of exsistance?
Lady: Everyday I before I leave my home I need you more than ever. I want to make sure the world accepts me.
Mirror: Why does it matter?
Lady: Because it's important. Beauty is everything and everyone.
Mirror: Who told that?
Lady: It's just something that everyone believes in. It's just a rule of being human.
Mirror: I don't think that is a rule, maybe an expectation based on a certain number of individuals. What is beauty and how do you define it?
Lady: Well that's easy. You look a certain way and it's your job to keep up with the image that the world has.
Mirror: I most likey wouldn't exsist if everyone is suppose to look the same. There more than one definition of beauty and everyone isn't going to agree on it. How do you define yourself?
Lady: I'm not sure. I don't know that is a difficult question to answer.
Mirror: There is your problem. If you can't define yourself, then your coming to me as a student of societies expectations.
Lady: That's not true! No one can't make me do something that I don't want to do! Don't you ever accuse me of something like that ever again! Your horrible!
Mirror: Why does telling the truth make me horrible? Yeah the truth hurts. It's a lot better than a person telling you something that is false and unpleasant.
Lady: I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you like that. It was scary hearing something that come out of your mouth.
Mirror: It's okay and I'm sure it was quite unexpected for a mirror to respond to you question.
Lady: More than ever. I feel crazy.
Mirror: Don't be I'm trying to give you a message that you need to hear. Unfortunatley I am unable to reach everyone in time before they make a life changing mistake.
Lady: I don't want to go down that road.
Mirror: Then realize you have options.
Lady: How many do I have? What are my options?
Mirror: I won't tell you your options.
Lady: Why?
Mirror: Because it will defeat my whole purpose of my warning to you. If you have a problem change.
Lady: I don't understand what you're saying.
Mirror: What are you confused about my dear?
Lady: You just told me that I will be a student of society.
Mirror: Yes that is correct.
Lady: Is that right or wrong?
Mirror:Unfortunately I am a mirror. There is only so much I can say and do. It is for YOU to decide and you alone. If I told you all the answers, my mission to you would be an ultimate failure. Weather or not you make the right decision in my eyes. It is your right as an human being to go down the right road. I wish you best of luck.
Lady: Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Mirror: No need to thank me. I will be here watching you everyday no matter where you or how much you grow. I see you. I see you human in the mirror. Your reflection. You came to me with a question that the entire world asks me everyday. I leave an answer with a question. "How do you define yourself?"
I have a million dollar body.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at 9:37pm
Today I watched his video on how people of different ethnicities in the UK wanted to look like the white man or white woman and I was shocked by what these people were willing to do just to look like them. After that, I thought about myself and how society defined me on how attractive I really am. It's so strange how many if not all of us wants something the other person has. Or at least have thought about it here and there. Why is it that certain features that black women have are considered ugly but considered hot on a woman of another race? I have things that men find attractive but it makes all the difference due to the fact I'm black. This doesn't only apply to black women but women of all different ethnicities. I believe there is nothing wrong with changing your look here and there. The question is how far are you willing to go?
I realize that I will never be a white,mexican,or Asian woman. I know that I will never be Americas next top model or ms. America. I will never be a size 0 or size 2. Do I want to be? Hell no.
Some may disagree and think that I am insane for not looking after these women. It's just something I don't want to be period. As a child I never bothered to pick up those magazines that show pictures of women with the perfect everything. They also tell you what you are doing wrong with a relationship. The list goes on. Do any these people who often pic up these magazines realize WHO is writing the article and air brushing those photos?
I took a good look at my body and realize that I have " a million dollar body". They pay millions of dollars to get my tan, my thick hair, and lips. They pay millions to get my chest, my hips and butt. Even my long eye lashes. I get all my shit for free. I am the total package. Not to sound cocky it's the truth. But what an asshole named society said that if a woman is black do not see these qualities as something wonderful. It makes her look fat and trashy.
But you don't think a woman is trashy for putting unnatural shit in her body? Some people may argue and say that I or another black woman can be just as equally wrong for wearing hair that isn't ours or putting dangerous chemicals in. You can always cut your hair. You can always wear it natural. Hair is always changeable and it can grow back. Having your legs broken to be taller you can't replace that.
I realize that I am not the prettiest or skinniest woman. But due to certain things I was born with. You can't put me and an entire race of women down just because you and many other idiots out there think we all look he same or a certain way. The truth is with every race out there, you have your lighter and darker version of that race, facial features a the list goes on.
Just like I can't say that every black women has my features. Many do but some don't. Thats why when people say they aren't attracted to women of a certain race. It is even more funny when people often forget that certain races belong in a group one race. Some guy say that he is not attracted to Asian women and the next day he thinks women from India are hot.... I've seen I happen many times.
I do admit when I was younger I use to be amongst those ignorant people who said they don't find a specific race attractive. Over the years I found that what I said was untrue and seen some pretty attractive looking men of different races. It all depends on if you find that MAN NOT RACE attractive.
I love the fact that we all created to look and act different. What's the point of trying to change who you are to look like Victoria beckum, beyonce, or anyone else. Do you really hate yourself that much because you don't like some girl in a magazine? Why is it in your best interest to hate me because I have a look I was born with? Ladies and gentlemen realize that you can always burn off that fat and change your hair. But I refuse to kiss your ass to become your human barbie. I am not plastic. I am all natural. If you don't like I you can kiss my natural YES NATURAL BLACK ASS. I am a million dollar woman and I have a million dollar body. Not to sound cocky but it's true.
Trapped in royalty
Saturday, July 31, 2010 at 11:13pm
New dress, New shoes
New coat, new tie
Rags to riches
Pesent to Royalty
Dirty to clean
This is the life of an ordinary to something extraordinary
They all admire from a far
Wishing they can be you and live your life
The life that is meant to be.
He has forgotten the rags and loves his riches.
More than midas loved his gold.
He is no longer the respected champion of the people.
His ring and spring cry many winters.
Wishing than he remained in his filthy rags.
Knowing his gold was nothing but blood.
Nothing but another mans blood.
He promised a princess she will be on her way. Thinking she was rescued but brought to another dungeon. She isn't waiting for a handsome prince to sweep her off her feet. Her heart still remains full of hope. Wanting to escape from the dungeon year, after year. In fear of all that she has. That one is to know. She remains in sorrow hoping for a forever escape. When the day comes she will no longer be his royalty. Trapped in royalty.
New dress, New shoes
New coat, new tie
Rags to riches
Pesent to Royalty
Dirty to clean
This is the life of an ordinary to something extraordinary
They all admire from a far
Wishing they can be you and live your life
The life that is meant to be.
He has forgotten the rags and loves his riches.
More than midas loved his gold.
He is no longer the respected champion of the people.
His ring and spring cry many winters.
Wishing than he remained in his filthy rags.
Knowing his gold was nothing but blood.
Nothing but another mans blood.
He promised a princess she will be on her way. Thinking she was rescued but brought to another dungeon. She isn't waiting for a handsome prince to sweep her off her feet. Her heart still remains full of hope. Wanting to escape from the dungeon year, after year. In fear of all that she has. That one is to know. She remains in sorrow hoping for a forever escape. When the day comes she will no longer be his royalty. Trapped in royalty.
Brain vs Heart
Monday, June 14, 2010 at 12:37am
Laying in my bed
Sitting in the dark
My brain and heart are having an argument
They can never agree on a single subject
My brain tells my heart it causes me pain and it drives others to think I'm insane
My heart said it's nothing wrong with feeling that way you do'
My brain and heart are now at each others throats causing me to make uncertain decisions
Those decisions cause problems
Problems I don't need'
The problems keep coming
One by one
These problems ruin my friendships and fun
Get along you two I'm sick of it
Laying in my bed
Sitting in the dark
My brain and heart are having an argument
They can never agree on a single subject
My brain tells my heart it causes me pain and it drives others to think I'm insane
My heart said it's nothing wrong with feeling that way you do'
My brain and heart are now at each others throats causing me to make uncertain decisions
Those decisions cause problems
Problems I don't need'
The problems keep coming
One by one
These problems ruin my friendships and fun
Get along you two I'm sick of it
And yet you remain?
Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 10:29pm
Understand you are gone
And gone you remain
I don't think about you
I have lived many days without hearing from you
Iv'e had spent many nights without you
I'm over it
I promise you I really am
Shit happens
I know that now
I don't understand why the memories aren't gone
I get flash backs at unexpected times
I never asked for you to keep comming
Please leave me alone
I'm no longer heart broken
I am no longer in pain
And yet in my heart you remain
I moved on with my life stop causing me pain
You are no longer welcome here
And yet you remain?
Understand you are gone
And gone you remain
I don't think about you
I have lived many days without hearing from you
Iv'e had spent many nights without you
I'm over it
I promise you I really am
Shit happens
I know that now
I don't understand why the memories aren't gone
I get flash backs at unexpected times
I never asked for you to keep comming
Please leave me alone
I'm no longer heart broken
I am no longer in pain
And yet in my heart you remain
I moved on with my life stop causing me pain
You are no longer welcome here
And yet you remain?
Naked Reflection
Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 10:10pm
As everyday passes me by
I look into something called a mirror
My reflection of I
A woman
A woman with so many questions
I stare up and down at that body of mine
From my hips and thighs to the shape of my spine
I see all that's out
No make up, no shoes
Just there plain naked.
Naked in the mind not by eyes
Just standing there plain naked
My reflection reminds me of what the entire world sees
A young woman standing there with more problems than I can count of my fingers
Naked I am
I talk to the reflection
Naked I stand a naked reflection
As everyday passes me by
I look into something called a mirror
My reflection of I
A woman
A woman with so many questions
I stare up and down at that body of mine
From my hips and thighs to the shape of my spine
I see all that's out
No make up, no shoes
Just there plain naked.
Naked in the mind not by eyes
Just standing there plain naked
My reflection reminds me of what the entire world sees
A young woman standing there with more problems than I can count of my fingers
Naked I am
I talk to the reflection
Naked I stand a naked reflection
Silly her
Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 11:57pm
Silly Girl
you take a step forward
You take another back
Silly Woman
You seem to be stuck on one place and don't know where your going
At ease in such deep and emotional thoughts
Your mind goes out into the universe
Knowing of the endless possibilities and adventures that lie ahead
Silly lady
One minute shes in high hopes
Another you falls
Still stuck in your box
you dreams of the herizons
Silly You
Making love with nature
Questioning her very exsistance
lies without a single answer
I tell you once
I told you again
Go find the truth and you shall receive
you can find more than what you seek
No Question is ever abonded
Silly girl
Silly woman
you have so many places to go
if you never find you way and make a move
the truth will always remain a mystery in your eyes.
The beating heart
Wednesday, March 3, 2010 at 2:18pm
Pump,Pump
Then silence
Pump,Pump
Then thoughts
I hear the sound of the heart beat
Pump,Pump it goes the lovely sound
Counting along with each breath
Slower, and faster
The sound of your heart
The sound of adventure
The sound of curiosity
Pump, Pump goes the heart
I can hear you
The beating heart
Pump,Pump
Then silence
Pump,Pump
Then thoughts
I hear the sound of the heart beat
Pump,Pump it goes the lovely sound
Counting along with each breath
Slower, and faster
The sound of your heart
The sound of adventure
The sound of curiosity
Pump, Pump goes the heart
I can hear you
The beating heart
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The stranger from acorss the way
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Current mood: curious
You be many miles away
You may be telling the truth or lies
Every word that comes out your mouth
Is every word that I take to the heart
I hear your sounds and exspand my mind
I go and an on with infinate thoughts
How sad it must be to have your life
No one by your side to experience your pain
Up every single night afraid to shut you eyes
Not knowing if this will be the very last of you
Sitting in the dark trying to ease your nerves
Listening to the beats of electronic waves
You think about the state of your position
Knowing the truth
Nothing but the truth
No cares ever seem to cross your mind again You say "Im done shit doesn't matter, It really doesn't. As long as I dont fall of the ladder I'm good All I need is music by my side."
You have a huge heart and I respect you.
The stranger from acorss the way.
Current mood: curious
You be many miles away
You may be telling the truth or lies
Every word that comes out your mouth
Is every word that I take to the heart
I hear your sounds and exspand my mind
I go and an on with infinate thoughts
How sad it must be to have your life
No one by your side to experience your pain
Up every single night afraid to shut you eyes
Not knowing if this will be the very last of you
Sitting in the dark trying to ease your nerves
Listening to the beats of electronic waves
You think about the state of your position
Knowing the truth
Nothing but the truth
No cares ever seem to cross your mind again You say "Im done shit doesn't matter, It really doesn't. As long as I dont fall of the ladder I'm good All I need is music by my side."
You have a huge heart and I respect you.
The stranger from acorss the way.
Oregon
Friday, January 22, 2010
Current mood: relaxed
I remeber the days where we drove up north
Drving many, many miles
For hours that would turn into a day or two
All the little stops we made
The adventures we had
Asking if we were there yet
All of the rest stops
The misqito bites
The many...many complaints we had
It was all worth it
We made it up there
I met an eldery gent with so much humor and charm
I met an elderly woman with class and grace
They were my great grandparents
One had many cats
Another could cook up a storm
He had many movies
She knitted many things
He told jokes
She gave hugs
She had a lovley condo
He had a beautiful home
He was known as the man who gave sweets to the little ones
She was known as a major sweetheart
They are gone.......
Always will remain in my memories
I remeber when he took us to see the snow on mountain
My cosuin and I threw snow balls at each other
I remember the walks we use to take around the dalls
I remeber the fishing trips we use to take
I remeber hearing the cats fighting
I remeber asking a stranger for a ride on the speed boat on the hood river
I remember seeing chicken charlies island
I remeber going to the coast line
I remeber going to the tilimock factory and getting the sweetest ice cream and beef jerky
I remeber smelling how fresh the air was..breathing so clearly
I remeber it being 8 or 9pm and the sun still in the air
Oregon it never seems to go away...........RIP Nana and Grandpa Jim
Current mood: relaxed
I remeber the days where we drove up north
Drving many, many miles
For hours that would turn into a day or two
All the little stops we made
The adventures we had
Asking if we were there yet
All of the rest stops
The misqito bites
The many...many complaints we had
It was all worth it
We made it up there
I met an eldery gent with so much humor and charm
I met an elderly woman with class and grace
They were my great grandparents
One had many cats
Another could cook up a storm
He had many movies
She knitted many things
He told jokes
She gave hugs
She had a lovley condo
He had a beautiful home
He was known as the man who gave sweets to the little ones
She was known as a major sweetheart
They are gone.......
Always will remain in my memories
I remeber when he took us to see the snow on mountain
My cosuin and I threw snow balls at each other
I remember the walks we use to take around the dalls
I remeber the fishing trips we use to take
I remeber hearing the cats fighting
I remeber asking a stranger for a ride on the speed boat on the hood river
I remember seeing chicken charlies island
I remeber going to the coast line
I remeber going to the tilimock factory and getting the sweetest ice cream and beef jerky
I remeber smelling how fresh the air was..breathing so clearly
I remeber it being 8 or 9pm and the sun still in the air
Oregon it never seems to go away...........RIP Nana and Grandpa Jim
Lost
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Current mood: chill
Holding on for dear life looking into the sky
Breathing slowly
Losing my self
Tears running down my cheaks
Thinking so deeply of what I have
Knowing how i lost so much
Thinking so intense
Losing my mind
My heart beating rappidly
Reaching and reaching
Whispers of nature in my ear
talking to the wind as it blows on to me
The heat contuines to build
Watching the river flow
Down,down it goes not able to dive in
Watching every fish pass me by
Still in the forrest I remain lost.
Current mood: chill
Holding on for dear life looking into the sky
Breathing slowly
Losing my self
Tears running down my cheaks
Thinking so deeply of what I have
Knowing how i lost so much
Thinking so intense
Losing my mind
My heart beating rappidly
Reaching and reaching
Whispers of nature in my ear
talking to the wind as it blows on to me
The heat contuines to build
Watching the river flow
Down,down it goes not able to dive in
Watching every fish pass me by
Still in the forrest I remain lost.
Recap of 2009
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Current mood: focused
This has a horrible year. Not just for me but for many others around me. There are some major positive highlights but mostley everything went to hell. Lets start the list.
I lost one of my closest friends
I confessed to someone I had feelings for them
I gotten a bitch on my back for 5 months
I lost a few precious gifts of mine
I gotten caught off my benefits
I was unable to get get a job
I did community service for a traffic ticket
I never had to depend on so many people for help
I got one of two wishes still hoping for the second one
I had lots of pho
I saw the princess and the Frog
I saw this is it
I Stayed online while watching the inaugeration of obama
I freaked out when Michael Jackson died
I Met new friends
I renuited with some
I went to hawaii for the first time
I went to church more often
I had many game nights
Tryed getting back into some old actitivities during high school
Gotten into the biggest fights with my family
Eaten dell taco for the first time
Went to west hollywood for halloween
Drove to simi valley for the first time
Eaten lots of sushi
Gotten into 2 car acciednts
Gotten a 4 day hang over
Been to amebia records
Owned a karsh kale cd
Went out on black friday
Gotten into more music artist
Went to comic con
Went to mikomicon and gotten sick
Met tyrese up close and personal
Saw that firend I no longer have on my birthday
Started a pole dancing group with a gay friend
Stood in line for free food on christmas eve
Gotten a letter from jamie
Moved
Realized how many haters there truly are
Realized that due to the media there are so many jokes
Owned comming to america on dvd
Did some serious missions in regards to helping my friends
Spent 8 hours in an emergency room at slymar
Went to an african fashion show
Went to no csun anime/bsu meetings
Discovered pretty willie?
Went to revolition 09
Discovered some things about myself that I could have found out years ago
Being more blunt
Reaching out to others with serious messages
Cried many, many, times
Gotten into jazz music more
Finshied cowboy beep bop
Finished agento soma
Finshed a Gundam series
Finished big O
Played some old school video games
Given more than than I can provide
Had a great english class
Had out of this world dreams
My cousins dog had 5 healthy puppies
Found out horrible news left and right
Almost died in a fire
Snuck into cadet ball
Had some of the most serious talks with people
My heart has been broken and torn into many directions
Took care of a plant for over 5 months
Blogged more
Didnt care as much about my locations
Found of my grandpa likes lady gaga
Learned how to jerk (somewhat)
Got my stuff sotlen at comic con
Watched the boondocks several times
Made some serious mistakes
Had a job offer
Stood in line for 4 hours at a job fair
Met some great online friends
Made more gamming buddies
Had a hard time dealing with a friend moving to riverside
Been to a military base
Dealed with people showing their secret indenity to me
Hit on a guy with so much confedence for the first time
Went to madison to visit once
Went through some serious stuff before I asked my grandparents for help
Made up the funniest stuff with my best friend
Watched a full boxing match for the first time
Went to a baby shower
Had some serious insomia for 2 weeks
Saw maya angelo
Went to the hollywood strip for the first time
Gotten hooked up at the right times
To be continued...........
Current mood: focused
This has a horrible year. Not just for me but for many others around me. There are some major positive highlights but mostley everything went to hell. Lets start the list.
I lost one of my closest friends
I confessed to someone I had feelings for them
I gotten a bitch on my back for 5 months
I lost a few precious gifts of mine
I gotten caught off my benefits
I was unable to get get a job
I did community service for a traffic ticket
I never had to depend on so many people for help
I got one of two wishes still hoping for the second one
I had lots of pho
I saw the princess and the Frog
I saw this is it
I Stayed online while watching the inaugeration of obama
I freaked out when Michael Jackson died
I Met new friends
I renuited with some
I went to hawaii for the first time
I went to church more often
I had many game nights
Tryed getting back into some old actitivities during high school
Gotten into the biggest fights with my family
Eaten dell taco for the first time
Went to west hollywood for halloween
Drove to simi valley for the first time
Eaten lots of sushi
Gotten into 2 car acciednts
Gotten a 4 day hang over
Been to amebia records
Owned a karsh kale cd
Went out on black friday
Gotten into more music artist
Went to comic con
Went to mikomicon and gotten sick
Met tyrese up close and personal
Saw that firend I no longer have on my birthday
Started a pole dancing group with a gay friend
Stood in line for free food on christmas eve
Gotten a letter from jamie
Moved
Realized how many haters there truly are
Realized that due to the media there are so many jokes
Owned comming to america on dvd
Did some serious missions in regards to helping my friends
Spent 8 hours in an emergency room at slymar
Went to an african fashion show
Went to no csun anime/bsu meetings
Discovered pretty willie?
Went to revolition 09
Discovered some things about myself that I could have found out years ago
Being more blunt
Reaching out to others with serious messages
Cried many, many, times
Gotten into jazz music more
Finshied cowboy beep bop
Finished agento soma
Finshed a Gundam series
Finished big O
Played some old school video games
Given more than than I can provide
Had a great english class
Had out of this world dreams
My cousins dog had 5 healthy puppies
Found out horrible news left and right
Almost died in a fire
Snuck into cadet ball
Had some of the most serious talks with people
My heart has been broken and torn into many directions
Took care of a plant for over 5 months
Blogged more
Didnt care as much about my locations
Found of my grandpa likes lady gaga
Learned how to jerk (somewhat)
Got my stuff sotlen at comic con
Watched the boondocks several times
Made some serious mistakes
Had a job offer
Stood in line for 4 hours at a job fair
Met some great online friends
Made more gamming buddies
Had a hard time dealing with a friend moving to riverside
Been to a military base
Dealed with people showing their secret indenity to me
Hit on a guy with so much confedence for the first time
Went to madison to visit once
Went through some serious stuff before I asked my grandparents for help
Made up the funniest stuff with my best friend
Watched a full boxing match for the first time
Went to a baby shower
Had some serious insomia for 2 weeks
Saw maya angelo
Went to the hollywood strip for the first time
Gotten hooked up at the right times
To be continued...........
Just like a Storm
Friday, December 11, 2009
Current mood: anxious
As the rain falls on this peaceful night
The rain reminds me of my memories
They come and go just like the rain
Your memories poor down with your emotions
When the sun comes out with clear blue skys
You memories fade away once more
A special moment can only be so short
As well as the storm that goes through your cities
You carry an umbrella to avoid getting wet
You try not to remeber the unfortunate times
But somehow water always wins
No matter how hard to try to keep warm
The rain provides life to feed our stomachs
Our memories are life and feed the soul
How happy and sad nature are
Giving us a life to end of time
How the rain reminds me of memoires
Memories come and go just like a storm
Current mood: anxious
As the rain falls on this peaceful night
The rain reminds me of my memories
They come and go just like the rain
Your memories poor down with your emotions
When the sun comes out with clear blue skys
You memories fade away once more
A special moment can only be so short
As well as the storm that goes through your cities
You carry an umbrella to avoid getting wet
You try not to remeber the unfortunate times
But somehow water always wins
No matter how hard to try to keep warm
The rain provides life to feed our stomachs
Our memories are life and feed the soul
How happy and sad nature are
Giving us a life to end of time
How the rain reminds me of memoires
Memories come and go just like a storm
Wanting to be loved....(Alex)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Current mood: sad
Before you read this I wanted all of you to know that this was written from different events that I have witnessed from different people. I wanted to dedicate this poem to them becasue In some cases I can very much relate to whats going on in their lives. For those of you out there who are looking for that special one, Don't give up. It's a matter of timing and it all depends on you. At the same time don't ever feel obligated to give your all to a person who approaches you. He or she may not be the one. Just becasue certain people have more relationships or dates than you doesn't nessicarly mean they have the best love life. I hope some of you can relate to this and focus on the issue at hand I decided to name the person in this story. Alex (boy or girl). I hope you enjoy and give feed back if you wish. Thank you and god luck everyone. Love, Rhi
I live in a world where I have to work twice a hard
It seems like no one knows how special you are
I hear my cousins braging about their evenings I see my brothers and sisters have plan
I see my friends in joy and affection
I see everyone else around I haven't had the sa
me feelings I always thought I was ugly
No one cared to speak to me
No one cared to look
When the first time came of being discovered
I didn't know how to act
I was way too excited
I want the world to know that I have been discovered
I want to share my memories
I want to share my soul with the very one who knew
I exsisted I had dreams like everyone else
When this opprotuntity came I held on to it tight
Thinking that never again will I get something so Special
That this must be the one Im so sure of it!
I give it my all Dress in the best clothes
Show sides of me and sides that I will never expose
It feels so good to be touched for the first time
This is what love feels like huh?
Contiune to touch me I want to Impress you
Show that I care
Perhaps give you my most prescious gift for your approval?
So I did Things changed
There was no longer the spark that I thought exsisted
Time to hit the road it was just a simple mistake
Iv'e learned by lesson the next one will be better
Time to hit the road theres other fish in the sea
The next one I know will be for me!
I met a new person So far so good
No pressure, no stress im free as a bird
Once again I was wrong and fell for it too
Oh my im quite the fucking fool
I asked my self why they desire my body
When it comes to everyone else it's their heart they want
Am I meant to be a sex slave?
I much as I enjoy the pleasure
My heart continues to hurt
All I want to do is have someone love me
I keep going and going with truth and lies
All of this ends with an unexpected supprise
All I wanted was to be loved Is that so hard to ask?
Current mood: sad
Before you read this I wanted all of you to know that this was written from different events that I have witnessed from different people. I wanted to dedicate this poem to them becasue In some cases I can very much relate to whats going on in their lives. For those of you out there who are looking for that special one, Don't give up. It's a matter of timing and it all depends on you. At the same time don't ever feel obligated to give your all to a person who approaches you. He or she may not be the one. Just becasue certain people have more relationships or dates than you doesn't nessicarly mean they have the best love life. I hope some of you can relate to this and focus on the issue at hand I decided to name the person in this story. Alex (boy or girl). I hope you enjoy and give feed back if you wish. Thank you and god luck everyone. Love, Rhi
I live in a world where I have to work twice a hard
It seems like no one knows how special you are
I hear my cousins braging about their evenings I see my brothers and sisters have plan
I see my friends in joy and affection
I see everyone else around I haven't had the sa
me feelings I always thought I was ugly
No one cared to speak to me
No one cared to look
When the first time came of being discovered
I didn't know how to act
I was way too excited
I want the world to know that I have been discovered
I want to share my memories
I want to share my soul with the very one who knew
I exsisted I had dreams like everyone else
When this opprotuntity came I held on to it tight
Thinking that never again will I get something so Special
That this must be the one Im so sure of it!
I give it my all Dress in the best clothes
Show sides of me and sides that I will never expose
It feels so good to be touched for the first time
This is what love feels like huh?
Contiune to touch me I want to Impress you
Show that I care
Perhaps give you my most prescious gift for your approval?
So I did Things changed
There was no longer the spark that I thought exsisted
Time to hit the road it was just a simple mistake
Iv'e learned by lesson the next one will be better
Time to hit the road theres other fish in the sea
The next one I know will be for me!
I met a new person So far so good
No pressure, no stress im free as a bird
Once again I was wrong and fell for it too
Oh my im quite the fucking fool
I asked my self why they desire my body
When it comes to everyone else it's their heart they want
Am I meant to be a sex slave?
I much as I enjoy the pleasure
My heart continues to hurt
All I want to do is have someone love me
I keep going and going with truth and lies
All of this ends with an unexpected supprise
All I wanted was to be loved Is that so hard to ask?
On the roof of the midnight sky part 2
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Current mood: calm
This time it was real
Very realHow real it was
No ordinary dream of mine
I saw the stars with a blink of an eye
The metaors falling above our planet earth
The universe sharing a precious gift
I was on the roof of my appartment complex
Where I stood there with starngers and roomates
Amazed at the endless possiblities
I wanted to reach closer to the stars
But the truth is, I was only one step closer
As close as I could ever be
On the roof of the midnight sky I stoodI looking over the lights on the San Franando Valley
I was there amazed and wishing I could touch its beauty
I wish I could fly with the falling stars
That very night I had a vision,
A vision that no one else saw
My Vison of love, life,and mystery
On the roof I stood silent
I stood silent making a wish
Wishing that I knew of my exsistance
The sky was lovley that night
Oh how lovely it was
I stood there thinking of what life is all about
I dreamed one night I would be in the midnight sky
This time no stranger questioned me
It didn't matter becasue I had my heart
That night I was there to share it who any who looked at the stars.
On the roof the midnight sky.
Current mood: calm
This time it was real
Very realHow real it was
No ordinary dream of mine
I saw the stars with a blink of an eye
The metaors falling above our planet earth
The universe sharing a precious gift
I was on the roof of my appartment complex
Where I stood there with starngers and roomates
Amazed at the endless possiblities
I wanted to reach closer to the stars
But the truth is, I was only one step closer
As close as I could ever be
On the roof of the midnight sky I stoodI looking over the lights on the San Franando Valley
I was there amazed and wishing I could touch its beauty
I wish I could fly with the falling stars
That very night I had a vision,
A vision that no one else saw
My Vison of love, life,and mystery
On the roof I stood silent
I stood silent making a wish
Wishing that I knew of my exsistance
The sky was lovley that night
Oh how lovely it was
I stood there thinking of what life is all about
I dreamed one night I would be in the midnight sky
This time no stranger questioned me
It didn't matter becasue I had my heart
That night I was there to share it who any who looked at the stars.
On the roof the midnight sky.
Molding
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Current mood: artistic
I consider myself clay,
Someone is always trying to mold me.
I'm a part of their ceramincs.
They spend hours sculpting me into their masterpiece.
Everytime I have an error,
They pound on me, use water and a sponge to smooth away the edges.
When finally finished they throw me into the fire.
Sitting in this oven, hot and dryed out.
I can no longer move and mold myself.
Comming out of the oven,
Waiting to be painted of glazed.
A vision of someone elses masterpiece,
They never wanted me to be the clay.
I wans't allowed to be my own art.
When I break, They realzed that they wasted their time, juding me as if I were thier own piece of art.
That's something I was never meant to be.
I'm sure he would agree.
Current mood: artistic
I consider myself clay,
Someone is always trying to mold me.
I'm a part of their ceramincs.
They spend hours sculpting me into their masterpiece.
Everytime I have an error,
They pound on me, use water and a sponge to smooth away the edges.
When finally finished they throw me into the fire.
Sitting in this oven, hot and dryed out.
I can no longer move and mold myself.
Comming out of the oven,
Waiting to be painted of glazed.
A vision of someone elses masterpiece,
They never wanted me to be the clay.
I wans't allowed to be my own art.
When I break, They realzed that they wasted their time, juding me as if I were thier own piece of art.
That's something I was never meant to be.
I'm sure he would agree.
Hawaiian Sunset
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Current mood: adventurous
I remeber the day
I saw the sun set in hawaii
I was in the ocean
It was nice and warm
I saw the colors of orange,yellow, and red
In the hawaiian sky
I saw art
Colors that expressed love, peace, and freedom
It was a moment in time
I never wanted to end
The hawaiian sunset made me forget about all my problems
It also taught me a few things a few things that I will never forget
It's okay to dream and believe in many opprotunities and possiblities lie ahead
I thought of the happy memories that exsisted in my life
My loss
My gains
My freedom
My expression
The nature of the sunset put me in the best of moods.
It wasn't so ordinary
Something so rare for me
Something that I am destined to see again
The lovely sunset
The sunset in hawaii
They sunset that changed my life forever.
Current mood: adventurous
I remeber the day
I saw the sun set in hawaii
I was in the ocean
It was nice and warm
I saw the colors of orange,yellow, and red
In the hawaiian sky
I saw art
Colors that expressed love, peace, and freedom
It was a moment in time
I never wanted to end
The hawaiian sunset made me forget about all my problems
It also taught me a few things a few things that I will never forget
It's okay to dream and believe in many opprotunities and possiblities lie ahead
I thought of the happy memories that exsisted in my life
My loss
My gains
My freedom
My expression
The nature of the sunset put me in the best of moods.
It wasn't so ordinary
Something so rare for me
Something that I am destined to see again
The lovely sunset
The sunset in hawaii
They sunset that changed my life forever.
So slowly
Friday, August 07, 2009
Current mood: blank
Heart beating so slowly
Im having a heart attack
Breathing so slowly
I have an asthma attack
Thinking so slowly
Im losing my memory
Walking so slowlyI feel paralized
Crying so slowly
Im having a break down
I cry a river through those big brown eyes
I never stop feeling the pain of my body
They ask of me
And what I can do
I say that is only up for you to decide
I am only one
I can save so many
Realize that I am only but human,
I wish my love can be so infinate to you
I have others to love, others to save
I love to help thats the truth
I may be brave for what I do
What I fear is you
Who is the one inside
The one who causes my pain and my to heart sink
The one who always brings me to my memories
The one who expresses her rage to the world
I am becomming her so slowly
So slowly I need to get back on my feet and rise
The day will come when I win all my races
She will go and travel to many places
Learning her lifes lessons
And couting her blessings
Proving to the world that she is something much more
So slowly I will rise to be happy again
I will be the shooting star you always dreamed to see.
Current mood: blank
Heart beating so slowly
Im having a heart attack
Breathing so slowly
I have an asthma attack
Thinking so slowly
Im losing my memory
Walking so slowlyI feel paralized
Crying so slowly
Im having a break down
I cry a river through those big brown eyes
I never stop feeling the pain of my body
They ask of me
And what I can do
I say that is only up for you to decide
I am only one
I can save so many
Realize that I am only but human,
I wish my love can be so infinate to you
I have others to love, others to save
I love to help thats the truth
I may be brave for what I do
What I fear is you
Who is the one inside
The one who causes my pain and my to heart sink
The one who always brings me to my memories
The one who expresses her rage to the world
I am becomming her so slowly
So slowly I need to get back on my feet and rise
The day will come when I win all my races
She will go and travel to many places
Learning her lifes lessons
And couting her blessings
Proving to the world that she is something much more
So slowly I will rise to be happy again
I will be the shooting star you always dreamed to see.
A Reflection of Michael Jackson and his Memorial service
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Current mood: curious
I dedicate this blog to my cousin Michael Edwards, I knew how much you loved Michael Jackson and what he meant to you life. He inspired you as a performer, as an artist, as a reflection of life. He taught you that it was always okay to express your self as an individual and to never give up on your dreams. I love you so much and I have always admired your talent as a performer. I’m glad that Michael Jackson inspired you continue to follow your dreams! I love you so much!Love, RhianaI also dedicate this blog to my friends, Billimarie,Natacha,Purity, Angela, and many others that were involved. Thank you for being there for me in this time of grief. What would I do with out you? You guys are true fans and rock with your personalities. It was amazing just amazing. There are certain moments where I cried, laughed, and went back in time. This was a moment in time. A moment in history where the world came together to honor a talented man who had so much so much love for the world and inspired us all. Music heals the soul and Michael Jackson did more than heal our souls, he healed the universe with his voice of peace. It was his dream to help the world and have the world come at peace. Even though I wasn't able to win the tickets and be there at the memorial. I watched it on TV and I felt like I was there along with the thousands and thousands of people celebrating and shedding tears over this great man. Everyone who spoke on that stage spoke from the heart. This man meant so much to the world that even athletes and people of the world of politics and ministry came forward to share their thoughts and feelings about this man. To me those are true words that are spoken. Till this day I still don't understand why some people out there have hate towards a man who wanted to love the world.
To people out there who hated him, if he was truly a bad man then why does the world love him? Why does the world continue to play his music, why does the world sing his songs, why does the world still dance to his music? Why would the world go out of it's way to honor some one if he was bad? What did he do to you? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never knew that some people have a problem with someone who wants to love you. As the artist Sade Said in her song,” Is it a crime that I still love you, and I want you to want me too. My love is wider than Victoria Lake. My love is taller than the empire state...it dives a joy and it ripples like the deepest ocean....." That’s the love that Michael Jackson felt for the world...Even greater than that! Is it a crime for Michael Jackson to love the world? No! Isn't it what god wants us to do is love?
The performances were amazing. Also most everyone who performed at the service mad me cry. They performed from the heart and the soul. Some made me speechless and almost broke down. I think the one that hit me hard was the performance of Stieve wonder. I got the chills everywhere and didn't say anything. Also the performances of Jermaine Jackson and Usher made me emotional. I give them infinite kudos they stood strong as they broke down on stage. But they still strong as performers.The poem that Maya Angelou wrote was phenomenal. Queen Latifiah read it well. Those words were very strong and emotional. I was on a different planet and imagined my self in a peaceful location. A location that is unexplained. I cried and I cried as the words came out of her mouth one by one.
Michael Jackson was a huge influences on my life and my family especially my cousin Michael. I remember the mornings that he would get up and dance and sing every single day to one of his songs. I remember buying him the album invincible. I remember my junior year of high school seeing him perform on stage in my advance drama class performing the song thriller with our class mates Robert and Remy and I have a picture of that. I remember driving up to Encino on my way home to see the Jackson family house with my cousin .I remember watching the wiz with my cousin he loved that movie. My grandmother showed me picture of my uncle who use to dress up like him in the "beat it jacket". She use to tell me stories of how girls use to mistake him for Michael Jackson and chased him into a phone booth. Evertime one of his songs would come on the radio we would sing and dance to it with pride. I remember seeing his music videos on TV. I remember last year for a Halloween party my friends and I were playing thriller and playing around while dancing in the dark. I remember taking a drive with my friend Casey singing his songs. So many so many memories of the great.
Today had me thinking a lot. Not about a man who sang and danced and wanted to change the world. I thought about my cousin, my family, my friends and everyone I love. Will this be the end of an era? This is just the beginning. It is up to us as well as the rest of the world to make a change. If this man can bring the world through life and death, let’s follow him in his dream to make the world a better place lets not do it only for him lets do it for the world. We need each other. Michael Jackson showed is his identity, he showed us our stability, and how we can function together as a community. I love you Michael Jackson! Thank you for your music. Thank you for your love. Thank you for changing the world and bringing us together as one. One brave new world that can conquer anything as long as we believe. We are the world! You are the man in the mirror. I do remember the time when you walked the face of the earth. Your music and story will live on forever and it will never die!Rest in Peace Michael JacksonA True Hero to the world1958-2009
"I am somebody, I will follow my dreams, I will change the world, this is my dream, and this is my destiny"-Rhiana Wilson
Current mood: curious
I dedicate this blog to my cousin Michael Edwards, I knew how much you loved Michael Jackson and what he meant to you life. He inspired you as a performer, as an artist, as a reflection of life. He taught you that it was always okay to express your self as an individual and to never give up on your dreams. I love you so much and I have always admired your talent as a performer. I’m glad that Michael Jackson inspired you continue to follow your dreams! I love you so much!Love, RhianaI also dedicate this blog to my friends, Billimarie,Natacha,Purity, Angela, and many others that were involved. Thank you for being there for me in this time of grief. What would I do with out you? You guys are true fans and rock with your personalities. It was amazing just amazing. There are certain moments where I cried, laughed, and went back in time. This was a moment in time. A moment in history where the world came together to honor a talented man who had so much so much love for the world and inspired us all. Music heals the soul and Michael Jackson did more than heal our souls, he healed the universe with his voice of peace. It was his dream to help the world and have the world come at peace. Even though I wasn't able to win the tickets and be there at the memorial. I watched it on TV and I felt like I was there along with the thousands and thousands of people celebrating and shedding tears over this great man. Everyone who spoke on that stage spoke from the heart. This man meant so much to the world that even athletes and people of the world of politics and ministry came forward to share their thoughts and feelings about this man. To me those are true words that are spoken. Till this day I still don't understand why some people out there have hate towards a man who wanted to love the world.
To people out there who hated him, if he was truly a bad man then why does the world love him? Why does the world continue to play his music, why does the world sing his songs, why does the world still dance to his music? Why would the world go out of it's way to honor some one if he was bad? What did he do to you? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never knew that some people have a problem with someone who wants to love you. As the artist Sade Said in her song,” Is it a crime that I still love you, and I want you to want me too. My love is wider than Victoria Lake. My love is taller than the empire state...it dives a joy and it ripples like the deepest ocean....." That’s the love that Michael Jackson felt for the world...Even greater than that! Is it a crime for Michael Jackson to love the world? No! Isn't it what god wants us to do is love?
The performances were amazing. Also most everyone who performed at the service mad me cry. They performed from the heart and the soul. Some made me speechless and almost broke down. I think the one that hit me hard was the performance of Stieve wonder. I got the chills everywhere and didn't say anything. Also the performances of Jermaine Jackson and Usher made me emotional. I give them infinite kudos they stood strong as they broke down on stage. But they still strong as performers.The poem that Maya Angelou wrote was phenomenal. Queen Latifiah read it well. Those words were very strong and emotional. I was on a different planet and imagined my self in a peaceful location. A location that is unexplained. I cried and I cried as the words came out of her mouth one by one.
Michael Jackson was a huge influences on my life and my family especially my cousin Michael. I remember the mornings that he would get up and dance and sing every single day to one of his songs. I remember buying him the album invincible. I remember my junior year of high school seeing him perform on stage in my advance drama class performing the song thriller with our class mates Robert and Remy and I have a picture of that. I remember driving up to Encino on my way home to see the Jackson family house with my cousin .I remember watching the wiz with my cousin he loved that movie. My grandmother showed me picture of my uncle who use to dress up like him in the "beat it jacket". She use to tell me stories of how girls use to mistake him for Michael Jackson and chased him into a phone booth. Evertime one of his songs would come on the radio we would sing and dance to it with pride. I remember seeing his music videos on TV. I remember last year for a Halloween party my friends and I were playing thriller and playing around while dancing in the dark. I remember taking a drive with my friend Casey singing his songs. So many so many memories of the great.
Today had me thinking a lot. Not about a man who sang and danced and wanted to change the world. I thought about my cousin, my family, my friends and everyone I love. Will this be the end of an era? This is just the beginning. It is up to us as well as the rest of the world to make a change. If this man can bring the world through life and death, let’s follow him in his dream to make the world a better place lets not do it only for him lets do it for the world. We need each other. Michael Jackson showed is his identity, he showed us our stability, and how we can function together as a community. I love you Michael Jackson! Thank you for your music. Thank you for your love. Thank you for changing the world and bringing us together as one. One brave new world that can conquer anything as long as we believe. We are the world! You are the man in the mirror. I do remember the time when you walked the face of the earth. Your music and story will live on forever and it will never die!Rest in Peace Michael JacksonA True Hero to the world1958-2009
"I am somebody, I will follow my dreams, I will change the world, this is my dream, and this is my destiny"-Rhiana Wilson
Man....
Friday, July 03, 2009
Current mood: ashamed
It's 2 am and im in so much pain. My body hurts everywhere, I feel so weak. But the pain doesn't come close to how im feeling. I have so much anger and hate inside of me. Once again I messed up. Spending the entrie say recovering and thinking I constantly ask my self why did I make such a stupid decision. Latley I have been a differnt person. The rhi that is there still exsist. But I think at this point in time im having an issue of my identity. I know that for now on things are going to change a whole lot and since I made these mistakes, I have to deal with what comes next with in the next couple of days. Come on rhi your so much better than this! Stop messing everything up!
Current mood: ashamed
It's 2 am and im in so much pain. My body hurts everywhere, I feel so weak. But the pain doesn't come close to how im feeling. I have so much anger and hate inside of me. Once again I messed up. Spending the entrie say recovering and thinking I constantly ask my self why did I make such a stupid decision. Latley I have been a differnt person. The rhi that is there still exsist. But I think at this point in time im having an issue of my identity. I know that for now on things are going to change a whole lot and since I made these mistakes, I have to deal with what comes next with in the next couple of days. Come on rhi your so much better than this! Stop messing everything up!
On the roof in the midnight sky
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Current mood: confused
I always had this vision in my head that I would be standing on a roof on a tall building looking at the city in the midnight sky. My hair would flowing was the wind blows. Im wearing a black dress with the long black coat wearing red or black high heels and make up done in the most mysterious fashion. As I stand there on the edge of the roof in complete silence and amazed by the very view of the city that i see before my eyes I start hearing jazz music. The depressing romantic blues that involves a saxaphone. I sit down on the ledge if the roof and tears begin to flow. This unexplained sadness I have as the music contuines. I close my eyes and start to dream about what i could have and what my possiblities are. As I contiune to cry the mascerra my face runs down. I stand up and walk twords a poll and start swinging on it as a child would. The music stops. I stop. Theres this dark shadow trying to speak to me. It asked me why I was so sad and why was I on the roof at midnight. I say, "I don't know, I really don't know. But I do find certain things in life beautiful. When Im on the roof in the midnight sky the possibilities seem endless and I can dream on forever. But for some reason I always feel like somethings missing." "why is that?" it asked, "because Im going somewhere but I don't know where Im going. It's like walking down an infinate path sometimes new things appaer and the old continues to floow me down this path no matter how hard i try to walk away from it...I still dont know.." It said, "im sorry but I cant help you there. But what i can tell you is that you have a long ways to go but I believe in you....the more you question your self the more confused you may be but I do believe that some answers will come to you as long as you remain paitent...your something you know that? Don't worry Im here for you." I dont know who that person is. maybe an illusion? On the roof in the midnight sky there I stand asking many questions..the possiblities are endless and my heart continues to have a great love for the view of the city of the midnight sky.....
Current mood: confused
I always had this vision in my head that I would be standing on a roof on a tall building looking at the city in the midnight sky. My hair would flowing was the wind blows. Im wearing a black dress with the long black coat wearing red or black high heels and make up done in the most mysterious fashion. As I stand there on the edge of the roof in complete silence and amazed by the very view of the city that i see before my eyes I start hearing jazz music. The depressing romantic blues that involves a saxaphone. I sit down on the ledge if the roof and tears begin to flow. This unexplained sadness I have as the music contuines. I close my eyes and start to dream about what i could have and what my possiblities are. As I contiune to cry the mascerra my face runs down. I stand up and walk twords a poll and start swinging on it as a child would. The music stops. I stop. Theres this dark shadow trying to speak to me. It asked me why I was so sad and why was I on the roof at midnight. I say, "I don't know, I really don't know. But I do find certain things in life beautiful. When Im on the roof in the midnight sky the possibilities seem endless and I can dream on forever. But for some reason I always feel like somethings missing." "why is that?" it asked, "because Im going somewhere but I don't know where Im going. It's like walking down an infinate path sometimes new things appaer and the old continues to floow me down this path no matter how hard i try to walk away from it...I still dont know.." It said, "im sorry but I cant help you there. But what i can tell you is that you have a long ways to go but I believe in you....the more you question your self the more confused you may be but I do believe that some answers will come to you as long as you remain paitent...your something you know that? Don't worry Im here for you." I dont know who that person is. maybe an illusion? On the roof in the midnight sky there I stand asking many questions..the possiblities are endless and my heart continues to have a great love for the view of the city of the midnight sky.....
More than what meets the eye. The eye of Rhi.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Current mood: relaxed
As I sit there, I take notes. After that I give feed back. I tell them what I see and what can or could happen. My eyes see the truth. People often say, "wow I didn't even know you were paying attention or noticed that." And I say, "its something that just happends." I can tell you what I feel. I am more than what meets the eye. The way I think, people refuse to hear that voice. The way I speak many walk away. I you need me im here but don't be supprised this is more than what meets the eye. The eye of Rhi.
Current mood: relaxed
As I sit there, I take notes. After that I give feed back. I tell them what I see and what can or could happen. My eyes see the truth. People often say, "wow I didn't even know you were paying attention or noticed that." And I say, "its something that just happends." I can tell you what I feel. I am more than what meets the eye. The way I think, people refuse to hear that voice. The way I speak many walk away. I you need me im here but don't be supprised this is more than what meets the eye. The eye of Rhi.
Memories...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Current mood: drained
It's almost 4 am and I can't stop thinking about my memories. No matter what time it is or where I am the memories are still there. No matter how hard you try to get rid of some memories good or bad they still remain. Recently I watched the entire Big O series, memories is something you hear about all the time. The word or meaning in that world memories are of extreme vaule. People would kill to have those memories and pay a lot of money. However, what if some of those memories were meant to remain in the shadows? Some people say that some memories should never be exposed to the world again. My memories are a mixture of good and bad. However, with those memories always comes twice as emotional than others. They never leave my head. They never leave my dreams. Always a part of my life. Those memories are there. So valuable they are.
Current mood: drained
It's almost 4 am and I can't stop thinking about my memories. No matter what time it is or where I am the memories are still there. No matter how hard you try to get rid of some memories good or bad they still remain. Recently I watched the entire Big O series, memories is something you hear about all the time. The word or meaning in that world memories are of extreme vaule. People would kill to have those memories and pay a lot of money. However, what if some of those memories were meant to remain in the shadows? Some people say that some memories should never be exposed to the world again. My memories are a mixture of good and bad. However, with those memories always comes twice as emotional than others. They never leave my head. They never leave my dreams. Always a part of my life. Those memories are there. So valuable they are.
Those very words you said
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Current mood: angry
Sometimes I wonder about how you live. Sometimes I wonder why that is.I just wonder if your safe becasue I care. Is it wrong to share my ideas with you on how I feel. Is it wrong to let you know that a true friend is here. Im sorry I mess up. Im sorry I do annoying things. I will try to fix them. But Im not perfect. Understand my pain as I understand yours. Your friendship with me is not a chore. It's a blessing or gift what ever you may want to call it. I can't throw you away becasue you mean something to me. If you need to be alone I will understand. I will give you your space. I will give you your time. Not everything I can see with my very own eyes. Sometimes you need to tell me so I can get the clue. If you stress out about life I understand. I didn't mean to hurt you or make you mad. A simple misunderstanding is what makes me sad. Please be well. I hope your days go right. From this point on I can see that friendship with you is a challenge and I fight. I willing to take that risk becasue of what you hold inside. Im down for the cause im down to ride.I know that life isn't easy for many. I know that life is especially difficult for you an I. This fact will always remain untill the day I die. Here a lie so messed up and confsued. Those words you said....those very words you said.......
Current mood: angry
Sometimes I wonder about how you live. Sometimes I wonder why that is.I just wonder if your safe becasue I care. Is it wrong to share my ideas with you on how I feel. Is it wrong to let you know that a true friend is here. Im sorry I mess up. Im sorry I do annoying things. I will try to fix them. But Im not perfect. Understand my pain as I understand yours. Your friendship with me is not a chore. It's a blessing or gift what ever you may want to call it. I can't throw you away becasue you mean something to me. If you need to be alone I will understand. I will give you your space. I will give you your time. Not everything I can see with my very own eyes. Sometimes you need to tell me so I can get the clue. If you stress out about life I understand. I didn't mean to hurt you or make you mad. A simple misunderstanding is what makes me sad. Please be well. I hope your days go right. From this point on I can see that friendship with you is a challenge and I fight. I willing to take that risk becasue of what you hold inside. Im down for the cause im down to ride.I know that life isn't easy for many. I know that life is especially difficult for you an I. This fact will always remain untill the day I die. Here a lie so messed up and confsued. Those words you said....those very words you said.......
The soul called Rhi
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Current mood: chill
I have no need to throw my self at you. You come to me and I will respond. I will come to you if I feel like talking to someone. I don't want to impress anyone. You are amzaed by what you see with your own eyes. No piece of material will make me or less to you. I am all about survial and having fun. Memories and good times. Real times alone. All of my memories of you are in my heart. I am not the one whos afraid to go outside in my pajamas. I am one who can live without make-up on my face. I am an artist. I may not create the best. I think outside of the box. I see soceity as a myth. I do anything as I please. I am not ashamed to tell my life. I fight for something almost every single day. I walk the face of the earth with a million questions in my head. I am a force of nature that many can't understand. I walk un even paths. I write a book of my life with in my heart. There is so much to know about the soul called "Rhi".
Current mood: chill
I have no need to throw my self at you. You come to me and I will respond. I will come to you if I feel like talking to someone. I don't want to impress anyone. You are amzaed by what you see with your own eyes. No piece of material will make me or less to you. I am all about survial and having fun. Memories and good times. Real times alone. All of my memories of you are in my heart. I am not the one whos afraid to go outside in my pajamas. I am one who can live without make-up on my face. I am an artist. I may not create the best. I think outside of the box. I see soceity as a myth. I do anything as I please. I am not ashamed to tell my life. I fight for something almost every single day. I walk the face of the earth with a million questions in my head. I am a force of nature that many can't understand. I walk un even paths. I write a book of my life with in my heart. There is so much to know about the soul called "Rhi".
Recap of 2008
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Current mood: awake
This is what happend in 2008
I went to a differnt school
I got my first appartment
I got a drivers license
I have a new god daughter
I have driven on the 405
I have a car
The first time I have ever been so involved in politics
I lived the day to see our first black president get elected
I went to balboa park after so many years
I went to 6 flags for the second time
I made a list of goals and completed them all
I went to church upon my own will
I stayed single for the whole year
I spent many days and nights in anger and depression
I stayed away from home for 2 months due to a problem
I went to anime expo for the first time
I have dealed with bad living situations
I gained many friends and lost others
I traveled on the train more than ever
I spent the night in several peoples homes
I have been accused of being non sucessful but proved many wrong
I got good grades
I have been to oxnard for the first time
I spent many hours and nights with the real folks
I have been indecisive about many things
I started development on several new projects
I decided to leave the csun fourms
I completled seeing the outlaw star series
I went trick or treating this year
I went shopping on black friday for the very first time
I wore a trekie uniform to comic con and I was going to die
I continued to stay in touch with very close friends
I have been used and people tryed to bring me to an end
I went to cadet ball
I bought a sexy dress
I got a parking ticket
I have been under constant stress
I went to a porn convention
I roller bladed this year
I saw my high school band better than my previous years
My high school made it to the championship
I realized that qualcum stadium was smaller than it looked on tv
I thought about changing my college major
I never realized how many haters I've had
I lived and saw part of the day the metrolink train crashed
I placed flowers for those who have passed at the train station
I almost went broke by 100%
My birthday this year meant nothing to me
I went to class in a kimono
I cost played with a homie who was a ninja
I spent many nights alone
I spent many days alone
I have taken care of others
I was told that I have a messed up mind
I wrote a blog called "is it a crime?"
I have grown to love raggae music even more
I have grown the love sade music even more
I went to an indian resturant for the very first time
I was given a sketch book and started sketching
I don't really attemd the csun anime club anymore
I go to bsu every now and then
I have made movies and posted them on you tube
I have gotten a flat tire
I have told friends the painful truth
I have bragged about my sucesses
I have seen the dark knight
I have went on horrible dates
I have made many horrible and sucessful mistakes
I have protested and locked my self in my own room
I have gotten sick and almost didnt know what to do
I helped my friend with a funny halloween costume
I went to ultrazone twice
I had to evactuate my appartment due to the silmar fires
I went to the topanga mall
I bought the Busta Rhymes album "extinchinon level event"
I have been through a trail and some canyons
I gotten a sidekick
I saw my mother more
My dad lost his home
The economy is bad
I stood in the rain to get free stuff
I cooked a meal for all of my friends
I waited in line for 5 hours at comic con for previews night to start
I shopped at the murvins going out a bussiness sale
It was a let down when they got rid of juice station,ez e take out, and pho tu do!
I spent one night on a balcony of a condo looking at some of the valley view
I have ended up in strange places
I have challenged somone with my life
I have watched x files
I have slepted on the floor for many months
I spent two nights in a tiny hotel room with 4 people and no bathroom!
I spent the night in irvine for the very first time
I went to b and js for the very first time
I went to tgi fridays 3 times in a month
I openly hit on a waiter at tgi fridays and got his myspace and facebook
I loved my sociology class
I discovered pretty willie
I ate homade menudo and pozole
I beat my friend at air hockey
I beat my friend a marvel vs capcon
I helped my friend in a bad situation
I spent the night sleeping in a classroom
this is not all of the things but an example of some of the things I did I wonder what my 2009 list will be like?
Current mood: awake
This is what happend in 2008
I went to a differnt school
I got my first appartment
I got a drivers license
I have a new god daughter
I have driven on the 405
I have a car
The first time I have ever been so involved in politics
I lived the day to see our first black president get elected
I went to balboa park after so many years
I went to 6 flags for the second time
I made a list of goals and completed them all
I went to church upon my own will
I stayed single for the whole year
I spent many days and nights in anger and depression
I stayed away from home for 2 months due to a problem
I went to anime expo for the first time
I have dealed with bad living situations
I gained many friends and lost others
I traveled on the train more than ever
I spent the night in several peoples homes
I have been accused of being non sucessful but proved many wrong
I got good grades
I have been to oxnard for the first time
I spent many hours and nights with the real folks
I have been indecisive about many things
I started development on several new projects
I decided to leave the csun fourms
I completled seeing the outlaw star series
I went trick or treating this year
I went shopping on black friday for the very first time
I wore a trekie uniform to comic con and I was going to die
I continued to stay in touch with very close friends
I have been used and people tryed to bring me to an end
I went to cadet ball
I bought a sexy dress
I got a parking ticket
I have been under constant stress
I went to a porn convention
I roller bladed this year
I saw my high school band better than my previous years
My high school made it to the championship
I realized that qualcum stadium was smaller than it looked on tv
I thought about changing my college major
I never realized how many haters I've had
I lived and saw part of the day the metrolink train crashed
I placed flowers for those who have passed at the train station
I almost went broke by 100%
My birthday this year meant nothing to me
I went to class in a kimono
I cost played with a homie who was a ninja
I spent many nights alone
I spent many days alone
I have taken care of others
I was told that I have a messed up mind
I wrote a blog called "is it a crime?"
I have grown to love raggae music even more
I have grown the love sade music even more
I went to an indian resturant for the very first time
I was given a sketch book and started sketching
I don't really attemd the csun anime club anymore
I go to bsu every now and then
I have made movies and posted them on you tube
I have gotten a flat tire
I have told friends the painful truth
I have bragged about my sucesses
I have seen the dark knight
I have went on horrible dates
I have made many horrible and sucessful mistakes
I have protested and locked my self in my own room
I have gotten sick and almost didnt know what to do
I helped my friend with a funny halloween costume
I went to ultrazone twice
I had to evactuate my appartment due to the silmar fires
I went to the topanga mall
I bought the Busta Rhymes album "extinchinon level event"
I have been through a trail and some canyons
I gotten a sidekick
I saw my mother more
My dad lost his home
The economy is bad
I stood in the rain to get free stuff
I cooked a meal for all of my friends
I waited in line for 5 hours at comic con for previews night to start
I shopped at the murvins going out a bussiness sale
It was a let down when they got rid of juice station,ez e take out, and pho tu do!
I spent one night on a balcony of a condo looking at some of the valley view
I have ended up in strange places
I have challenged somone with my life
I have watched x files
I have slepted on the floor for many months
I spent two nights in a tiny hotel room with 4 people and no bathroom!
I spent the night in irvine for the very first time
I went to b and js for the very first time
I went to tgi fridays 3 times in a month
I openly hit on a waiter at tgi fridays and got his myspace and facebook
I loved my sociology class
I discovered pretty willie
I ate homade menudo and pozole
I beat my friend at air hockey
I beat my friend a marvel vs capcon
I helped my friend in a bad situation
I spent the night sleeping in a classroom
this is not all of the things but an example of some of the things I did I wonder what my 2009 list will be like?
A possible discovery?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Current mood: worried
Well latley I have been noticing a serious of strange events. I feel like my minds going to exploed becasue as the days go by I feel like I'm getting worse. I have done all I can to keep my self under control. People are starting to notcie it and it is made clear that what I am dealing with is no secret. I am a pretty open person about my life and my experiences and I feel like I don't have too much to hide. However, there are somethings that I never reveal to people or only certain people know or sometimes just even part of whats going on. Yesterday and last night I went down memory lane and I started getting depressed and l lost foucs of what my current task was. But it wasnt the first time I did this. It's been happening a lot. I hate feeling like this. I really do. I also realized that If im a powerful force of nature I will deal with all kinds of environment changes. I do believe that there are a few people out there who exsist with power such as mine but there are a few select people who go through the same thing I'm going through right now. But I fear that it can tie into something that I really don't want it to be. If my hypothesis is correct about what I think I have. Then I'm going to have to make some desisions on how to deal with it. Becasue I don't want another substance to keep me under control. I want to fight this my self. One of the major goals in life is to die strong. I have to keep going! I have to figure this out! I have to be Strong! So bear with me please!
Current mood: worried
Well latley I have been noticing a serious of strange events. I feel like my minds going to exploed becasue as the days go by I feel like I'm getting worse. I have done all I can to keep my self under control. People are starting to notcie it and it is made clear that what I am dealing with is no secret. I am a pretty open person about my life and my experiences and I feel like I don't have too much to hide. However, there are somethings that I never reveal to people or only certain people know or sometimes just even part of whats going on. Yesterday and last night I went down memory lane and I started getting depressed and l lost foucs of what my current task was. But it wasnt the first time I did this. It's been happening a lot. I hate feeling like this. I really do. I also realized that If im a powerful force of nature I will deal with all kinds of environment changes. I do believe that there are a few people out there who exsist with power such as mine but there are a few select people who go through the same thing I'm going through right now. But I fear that it can tie into something that I really don't want it to be. If my hypothesis is correct about what I think I have. Then I'm going to have to make some desisions on how to deal with it. Becasue I don't want another substance to keep me under control. I want to fight this my self. One of the major goals in life is to die strong. I have to keep going! I have to figure this out! I have to be Strong! So bear with me please!
Is it a crime?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Current mood: calm
This blog was imspired by the song called "Is It A Crime?" a Sade it is a really good song.
Is it a crime to express how I feel?
Some believe that the way I feel about things is inappropaite. If I didn't express my emotions then I wouldn't be the Rhiana you know.
Is is a crime to believe in somethings that others don't?
No it's not. You can believe in anything you want as long as you believe with your heart. But it is never right to force what you believe in someone else, They may not agree with you.
Is it a crime to be a fake person?
Always! By you being a fake person you show to the rest of the world how heartless you can be. Be your self! Stop trying to hard to impress people with certain things when that isn't you at all. I have learned that you make better friends when your just being your self. More people grow to love you more over the course of time by you being your self always.
Is it a crime to always "think" your always right?
Yes and no. There is a huge difference between knowing that you are right about something vs thinking that you are right just to win. It's ok sometimes to admit your wrong. It's not like your going to die if you are.
Is it a crime to make a mistake?
No. We all make mistakes it's a part of human nature. However, If you are making the same mistake constantly and you know it's wrong then it can be a crime.
Is it a crime to know someone who does a lot of wrong?
I believe depending on who you are the answer is yes and no. Sometimes the person that does these things can be a person of misunderstanding and have a positive side to them.
Is it a crime to miss someone?
Never! I miss everyone becasue I have love for all of you.
Is it a crime to be a real person?
Never! Real is as real does!
Is it a crime to say that you have haters weather or not someone is?
No! We all have haters they come and go and some stay! You better believe that!
Is it a crime to tell someone you love them even though they may not be in a relationship with you or family?
No! I love my friends! I love you all!
What is or isnt a crime give me your opinions. I could have posted more but it would have taken all night lol
Current mood: calm
This blog was imspired by the song called "Is It A Crime?" a Sade it is a really good song.
Is it a crime to express how I feel?
Some believe that the way I feel about things is inappropaite. If I didn't express my emotions then I wouldn't be the Rhiana you know.
Is is a crime to believe in somethings that others don't?
No it's not. You can believe in anything you want as long as you believe with your heart. But it is never right to force what you believe in someone else, They may not agree with you.
Is it a crime to be a fake person?
Always! By you being a fake person you show to the rest of the world how heartless you can be. Be your self! Stop trying to hard to impress people with certain things when that isn't you at all. I have learned that you make better friends when your just being your self. More people grow to love you more over the course of time by you being your self always.
Is it a crime to always "think" your always right?
Yes and no. There is a huge difference between knowing that you are right about something vs thinking that you are right just to win. It's ok sometimes to admit your wrong. It's not like your going to die if you are.
Is it a crime to make a mistake?
No. We all make mistakes it's a part of human nature. However, If you are making the same mistake constantly and you know it's wrong then it can be a crime.
Is it a crime to know someone who does a lot of wrong?
I believe depending on who you are the answer is yes and no. Sometimes the person that does these things can be a person of misunderstanding and have a positive side to them.
Is it a crime to miss someone?
Never! I miss everyone becasue I have love for all of you.
Is it a crime to be a real person?
Never! Real is as real does!
Is it a crime to say that you have haters weather or not someone is?
No! We all have haters they come and go and some stay! You better believe that!
Is it a crime to tell someone you love them even though they may not be in a relationship with you or family?
No! I love my friends! I love you all!
What is or isnt a crime give me your opinions. I could have posted more but it would have taken all night lol
I love you
Friday, October 31, 2008
Current mood: grateful
I Love you...you are there for me...you make me smile when others...you keep me warm at night....you are there in my moments of sorrow....you share peace with me..you are the one who understand me the most.....you have wonders..you have dreams..you have the will...you have the power...you have the strength to make me love you.....you fight with me...you tell me im beautiful..you tell me im smart.....you travel with me...you fit me....you listen....I love the way you speak..... I love you! I love me..I love you rhi! When there is no one else, you will always be by my side. That's why I love you.
Current mood: grateful
I Love you...you are there for me...you make me smile when others...you keep me warm at night....you are there in my moments of sorrow....you share peace with me..you are the one who understand me the most.....you have wonders..you have dreams..you have the will...you have the power...you have the strength to make me love you.....you fight with me...you tell me im beautiful..you tell me im smart.....you travel with me...you fit me....you listen....I love the way you speak..... I love you! I love me..I love you rhi! When there is no one else, you will always be by my side. That's why I love you.
Rhiana 1989-2008?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
(Am I worthless?) Current mood: disappointed
Once again I have died....I have died so many times in my life I have lost count. I feel competley ugly and imortal inside. I try to do the right things-I really do. But for some reason I feel like I'm being punished. Yeah I do realize that I am human like everyone else. I have emotions, make mistakes,and a whole lot more. I know that inside I am not a bad person. But I am wondering if I am do to the recent events that has happend from the beginning of the summer up untill now. I tried to start over again several times. I was on a good path for a long time and I proved to the world that I can do it like I have many times before. I know what my weaknesses are not so very much my strengths. I have no idea why I am not happy with myself when I know that there are other people out there who need help more than I. I try not to do selfish things, I don't think about myself, and I scrafice my self to help others in need because I care. Why do I feel worthless I have no idea. Another question that I ask my self is that if I know that I am a good person why do bad things contiune to happen? I don't expect to be rewarded for all the good deeds that I do or have done. I expect good things to come always and that hasn't happend for a very long time. It has been one bad event after another. What did I do? Am I a bad person? Am I being challenged by life? Or is it a destiny of mine to me a child of struggle and live my live in the shadows? I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that. Im lost, confused, and disappointed. Am I bad person or am I simply just worthless? Can this change? Who knows? I can't lose the fight just yet!
(Am I worthless?) Current mood: disappointed
Once again I have died....I have died so many times in my life I have lost count. I feel competley ugly and imortal inside. I try to do the right things-I really do. But for some reason I feel like I'm being punished. Yeah I do realize that I am human like everyone else. I have emotions, make mistakes,and a whole lot more. I know that inside I am not a bad person. But I am wondering if I am do to the recent events that has happend from the beginning of the summer up untill now. I tried to start over again several times. I was on a good path for a long time and I proved to the world that I can do it like I have many times before. I know what my weaknesses are not so very much my strengths. I have no idea why I am not happy with myself when I know that there are other people out there who need help more than I. I try not to do selfish things, I don't think about myself, and I scrafice my self to help others in need because I care. Why do I feel worthless I have no idea. Another question that I ask my self is that if I know that I am a good person why do bad things contiune to happen? I don't expect to be rewarded for all the good deeds that I do or have done. I expect good things to come always and that hasn't happend for a very long time. It has been one bad event after another. What did I do? Am I a bad person? Am I being challenged by life? Or is it a destiny of mine to me a child of struggle and live my live in the shadows? I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that. Im lost, confused, and disappointed. Am I bad person or am I simply just worthless? Can this change? Who knows? I can't lose the fight just yet!
The Truth is Out there?
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Current mood: curious
Do you believe in the possible existence that we are not alone on planet earth let alone our galaxy and our infinite universe? Do you believe that humans should have the right to question things that are in existence and the events of humanity and its history?
I believe that there is something else out there and none of the biggest mysteries of all will be revealed anytime soon. You know how there are the groups of skeptics and believers? Then you have the mass majority the worlds population with an unknown answer. Some people believe that there is not enough psychical evidence to prove existence of a super natural,paranormal, and unexplained incident or incidents. Of Course there is the theory that certain people are doing "cover ups" to reveal the truth for what is really is. If the truth were to really be exposed would everyone be afraid of what lies in the mystery that is being revealed? I think that there would be a good handful of people that would be afraid. The main cause of fear is the "unknown". Many people fear the unknown because the don't know what lies ahead of them weather or not if it's good or bad and everyone hopes it's nothing bad. I believe that fear is another high possibility because of negative stereotypes given about certain things. The truth hurts it really does. some people believe that some mysteries remain secrets due to the fact of what might happen when the ugly truth is exposed. Or maybe due to the simple fact that humanity has became selfish,corrupt and evil through out the course of history and time we don't deserve to have anything exposed to us.
Only those who have lived so far back in time can tell us the true history of the world and of experiences and encounters with the unknown If there is any thing else out there. I believe that some of the phenomena is to great for ones imagination to create on their own. However, I will not deny the fact that their are intelligent minds out there to create certain mythologies. I believe that one was the right to question our existence and question the mysteries of other possible mysteries that remain hidden in the many shadows of the universe. One should not be punished for wanting to believe that there may be something far more great than what we see in our daily lives and surroundings. One has the right to question humanity and its history. In modern human history we have a better idea of what actually happened due to the majority of recorded evidence unlike the history of the past. However, who can say that there is some missing pages to our modern history as well.
What do you believe? Why do you believe it? What made you believe in such a thing?
One day the truth will finally be exposed about somethings and others remain in the shadows but no matter what it is the truth is out there.
What are your thoughts?
Current mood: curious
Do you believe in the possible existence that we are not alone on planet earth let alone our galaxy and our infinite universe? Do you believe that humans should have the right to question things that are in existence and the events of humanity and its history?
I believe that there is something else out there and none of the biggest mysteries of all will be revealed anytime soon. You know how there are the groups of skeptics and believers? Then you have the mass majority the worlds population with an unknown answer. Some people believe that there is not enough psychical evidence to prove existence of a super natural,paranormal, and unexplained incident or incidents. Of Course there is the theory that certain people are doing "cover ups" to reveal the truth for what is really is. If the truth were to really be exposed would everyone be afraid of what lies in the mystery that is being revealed? I think that there would be a good handful of people that would be afraid. The main cause of fear is the "unknown". Many people fear the unknown because the don't know what lies ahead of them weather or not if it's good or bad and everyone hopes it's nothing bad. I believe that fear is another high possibility because of negative stereotypes given about certain things. The truth hurts it really does. some people believe that some mysteries remain secrets due to the fact of what might happen when the ugly truth is exposed. Or maybe due to the simple fact that humanity has became selfish,corrupt and evil through out the course of history and time we don't deserve to have anything exposed to us.
Only those who have lived so far back in time can tell us the true history of the world and of experiences and encounters with the unknown If there is any thing else out there. I believe that some of the phenomena is to great for ones imagination to create on their own. However, I will not deny the fact that their are intelligent minds out there to create certain mythologies. I believe that one was the right to question our existence and question the mysteries of other possible mysteries that remain hidden in the many shadows of the universe. One should not be punished for wanting to believe that there may be something far more great than what we see in our daily lives and surroundings. One has the right to question humanity and its history. In modern human history we have a better idea of what actually happened due to the majority of recorded evidence unlike the history of the past. However, who can say that there is some missing pages to our modern history as well.
What do you believe? Why do you believe it? What made you believe in such a thing?
One day the truth will finally be exposed about somethings and others remain in the shadows but no matter what it is the truth is out there.
What are your thoughts?
The Stranger I know
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Current mood: confused
I am here.You are there.I know where I stand.You walk away.I have nothing to say.I wonder where you are.You come back.Im glad for your safe return.You greet me as usual.I greet you just the same.When we see each other nothing seems to change.Your company is a joy as well as mine.You know about me.I know about you.We are the sameAnd yet we refuse.You are me. I am you.You leave me with unanswered questions.Yet I haven't asked you the questions for the answer I am wanting to seek.You found me I chose to be there with you.Yet you disappear and you come back to me.Who are you? Why do I exsist to you?You are the stranger that I know.
Current mood: confused
I am here.You are there.I know where I stand.You walk away.I have nothing to say.I wonder where you are.You come back.Im glad for your safe return.You greet me as usual.I greet you just the same.When we see each other nothing seems to change.Your company is a joy as well as mine.You know about me.I know about you.We are the sameAnd yet we refuse.You are me. I am you.You leave me with unanswered questions.Yet I haven't asked you the questions for the answer I am wanting to seek.You found me I chose to be there with you.Yet you disappear and you come back to me.Who are you? Why do I exsist to you?You are the stranger that I know.
no one
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Current mood: confused
As I look into the sky of stars I see a never ending path into the universe. The path seems so far away. If is so far that I can't even try to reach out to such a place. I wonder always if something up there is better than what we have here. I wonder if I can fly and escape to the unknown. Something just something else is out there for me I keep searching but I can't find it. All I do is look into the miles and miles of space nothing but darkness,endless darkness. What would it be like to live in a world where people understand you no matter how different you are no matter how strange u may be they will still love u for who they are. That's how I feel. No one knows my language,no one knows my heart,no one knows my feelings. Even though I try to open my self up and still I am invisable. No one understands me. No one.
Current mood: confused
As I look into the sky of stars I see a never ending path into the universe. The path seems so far away. If is so far that I can't even try to reach out to such a place. I wonder always if something up there is better than what we have here. I wonder if I can fly and escape to the unknown. Something just something else is out there for me I keep searching but I can't find it. All I do is look into the miles and miles of space nothing but darkness,endless darkness. What would it be like to live in a world where people understand you no matter how different you are no matter how strange u may be they will still love u for who they are. That's how I feel. No one knows my language,no one knows my heart,no one knows my feelings. Even though I try to open my self up and still I am invisable. No one understands me. No one.
Recovery of the 48 hours of starvation process and protest
Friday, August 08, 2008
Current mood: strong
Man for these past 2 days I locked my self in a room and starved my self. Why you may ask was becasue I protested ignorence and selfishness. I was thinking Gandhi at the time. Even though Gandhi went hardcore with his protest I still respect the man for doing what he did. I realized that depending on the situation I could never live up to what that man did. Out of this protest came the silent treatment, meditation,thinking,focus,anger and frustration. I had to maintain balance foucus and remain calm. Becasue all of that engery I was building up form anger could have gotten me into so much trouble. Last night was horrrible becasue my silence was almost borken. I also started to get sick by getting light headed,breathing shortend, stomouch hurtting, and dry throat. I was thinking to myself omg what if I am going to die here.The pain was becomming so unbearible I almost gave up. But I stayed in it untill this morning I ate some fruit and had some water and omg I feel so much better.Today I have so much shit to deal with. My body still hurts a little but I am ok. Hopefull my protest ment somthing or something else will have to be done. The postive part of all or this that I was able to keep my mind in one place and have alot of thinking and clearing my head. I got my anger under controll and stayed foucused and Imagined my self in an unknown world.
Current mood: strong
Man for these past 2 days I locked my self in a room and starved my self. Why you may ask was becasue I protested ignorence and selfishness. I was thinking Gandhi at the time. Even though Gandhi went hardcore with his protest I still respect the man for doing what he did. I realized that depending on the situation I could never live up to what that man did. Out of this protest came the silent treatment, meditation,thinking,focus,anger and frustration. I had to maintain balance foucus and remain calm. Becasue all of that engery I was building up form anger could have gotten me into so much trouble. Last night was horrrible becasue my silence was almost borken. I also started to get sick by getting light headed,breathing shortend, stomouch hurtting, and dry throat. I was thinking to myself omg what if I am going to die here.The pain was becomming so unbearible I almost gave up. But I stayed in it untill this morning I ate some fruit and had some water and omg I feel so much better.Today I have so much shit to deal with. My body still hurts a little but I am ok. Hopefull my protest ment somthing or something else will have to be done. The postive part of all or this that I was able to keep my mind in one place and have alot of thinking and clearing my head. I got my anger under controll and stayed foucused and Imagined my self in an unknown world.
Rhiana are you there?
Monday, August 04, 2008
Current mood: angry
Rhiana wake up please wake up! Are you there? can you hear me? Please Rhiana don't go now we need you! Rhiana! Rhiana! Rhiana! Are you threre? Im not hearing anything breathing or a heart beat. Im sorry but I think he have lost her....
That's how I have been feeling recently with the recent events in my life and over these past few months. I feel like I am in the ICU in the hospital and the doctors are trying to revive me and I am not responding I am living to the very last breath and heart beat. The doctors did the best the could and there is nothing they can do.
To tell you the truth I have died along ago. My body is no longer mine and my soul roams the earth. At this point in time by the way things are going I will never be alive again, it will take along time, or I will be reborn.
This point in time is so unbearible to me it has killed me a second time and that is not normal.
Each and everyday as time goes on me be to seem to have more loss than gain and as the days go by I find myself fighting more and more battles will I ever get out of this god forsaken war? I don't know....am I there?
Current mood: angry
Rhiana wake up please wake up! Are you there? can you hear me? Please Rhiana don't go now we need you! Rhiana! Rhiana! Rhiana! Are you threre? Im not hearing anything breathing or a heart beat. Im sorry but I think he have lost her....
That's how I have been feeling recently with the recent events in my life and over these past few months. I feel like I am in the ICU in the hospital and the doctors are trying to revive me and I am not responding I am living to the very last breath and heart beat. The doctors did the best the could and there is nothing they can do.
To tell you the truth I have died along ago. My body is no longer mine and my soul roams the earth. At this point in time by the way things are going I will never be alive again, it will take along time, or I will be reborn.
This point in time is so unbearible to me it has killed me a second time and that is not normal.
Each and everyday as time goes on me be to seem to have more loss than gain and as the days go by I find myself fighting more and more battles will I ever get out of this god forsaken war? I don't know....am I there?
My music box
Monday, July 21, 2008
Current mood: indescribable
Have you ever herd a music box play a certain song you know or a strange tune you never herd of or even sounds like you have herd it before? Sometimes when you hear those tunes from the music box they make you depressed or your get scared by the tune alone. After a while the tune in the music box changes or fades away. My life is like a music box with an unknown tune. Recently this unknown tune in my music box has changed. That change in my tune is the changes that I am going through in life and the changes within my self. But lately the music in my box is not playing a lovley tune but a tune that is dying out or changing over all. My music box plays an unknown tune to the world. The unknown tune is the tune that sets people in tears becasue its so sad. My music box is my heart. And sometimes people can't understand the sound of rhi.
Current mood: indescribable
Have you ever herd a music box play a certain song you know or a strange tune you never herd of or even sounds like you have herd it before? Sometimes when you hear those tunes from the music box they make you depressed or your get scared by the tune alone. After a while the tune in the music box changes or fades away. My life is like a music box with an unknown tune. Recently this unknown tune in my music box has changed. That change in my tune is the changes that I am going through in life and the changes within my self. But lately the music in my box is not playing a lovley tune but a tune that is dying out or changing over all. My music box plays an unknown tune to the world. The unknown tune is the tune that sets people in tears becasue its so sad. My music box is my heart. And sometimes people can't understand the sound of rhi.
Something that is bothering me
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Current mood: worried
I always enjoy helping people out in the time of need. the problem is that something goes wrong in the process.The last few days I have been stressed like no joke. As of today I thought all of my problems were over and that I can enjoy myself. that can still can happen. but at the same time I am worried like no joke. I am worried about several people. I feel as a job of mind being such a good friend I have to have my homies back. I am praying over the next few days things go right. I am trying to have fun and play the role of a gardian at the same time. I hate to deliver bad news to people but sometimes it has to happen. Don't get me wrong. I love you for who you are but if you are messing with my heart. Then you will have to suffer. I am willing to help you as long as you can help yourself. For those of you who are always talking about change. Just do it.
Current mood: worried
I always enjoy helping people out in the time of need. the problem is that something goes wrong in the process.The last few days I have been stressed like no joke. As of today I thought all of my problems were over and that I can enjoy myself. that can still can happen. but at the same time I am worried like no joke. I am worried about several people. I feel as a job of mind being such a good friend I have to have my homies back. I am praying over the next few days things go right. I am trying to have fun and play the role of a gardian at the same time. I hate to deliver bad news to people but sometimes it has to happen. Don't get me wrong. I love you for who you are but if you are messing with my heart. Then you will have to suffer. I am willing to help you as long as you can help yourself. For those of you who are always talking about change. Just do it.
Battlezone
Monday, June 30, 2008
Current mood: savage
The name of this blog is a title from a song called "battlezone" By: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
"Pick up your wings and prepare them for flight" It's time for rhi to return.... yes that means Im going back to SD for a month. Well what can I just say. I will be ready for the war. Preperation is in process. This is gonna be one long battle with my family. Fuck! but on top of that I have shit I need to take care of plus comic con. I hope things work out as planned and arranged. I really don't want to do this. But a soilder/fighter has to go in the battlezone sooner or later."imma about to carry me home.." wish me luck she is prepared and willing to win this battle!
"listen to my battle ground"
Current mood: savage
The name of this blog is a title from a song called "battlezone" By: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
"Pick up your wings and prepare them for flight" It's time for rhi to return.... yes that means Im going back to SD for a month. Well what can I just say. I will be ready for the war. Preperation is in process. This is gonna be one long battle with my family. Fuck! but on top of that I have shit I need to take care of plus comic con. I hope things work out as planned and arranged. I really don't want to do this. But a soilder/fighter has to go in the battlezone sooner or later."imma about to carry me home.." wish me luck she is prepared and willing to win this battle!
"listen to my battle ground"
Lets just kiss and say goodbye
Monday, June 30, 2008
Current mood: creative
First of all before any of you jump to conculusions the blog is titled like this becasue it is a name of one of my favorite old school songs by the Manhattens and this blog has alot to do with the title as well.
anyway...
"this has got to be the saddest day of my life, I have called you here today for a bit of bad news..."
Well from the start of the past school year untill now. I have been though alot of shit. I have lost, gained, and hated friends or so called friends. Not only that I had to say good bye to alot that I was use to. "its gonna hurt me I can't lie". But alot of things that I had to change to be a better person for myself and some of you may think that I have gotten worse. Then you truly have no idea what the fuck is going on in my head. "please dont stop me untill Im through, this is something I hate to do". But some of you are not ment or made to understand me in how I feel. "many months have passed us by...I gonna miss you, I got ties and so do you, I think this is the thing to do" But thats too bad. To those that are related and un related to me it doesnt fucking matter. I am on path that you cant cut off. "when you turn walk away don't look back.." Becasue I am walking a head of you. Sometimes I wonder, what would my future be like if I decided to stay the way I was years ago. Clueless, defenseless, unaware, unkown, confused. Well I have became a soilder of my own heart and my own spirit. I will be something you will never expect me to be. So I must say to those who are afraid of what I have....
"I wanna rememer you like this lets just kiss and say goodbye, please darling dont you cry lets justkiss and say good bye."
A wonderful song. I may not be about what I have talked about but the quoting sends a strong meassge.
all you gotta do in life is kiss and say goodbye to things you dont need.
Current mood: creative
First of all before any of you jump to conculusions the blog is titled like this becasue it is a name of one of my favorite old school songs by the Manhattens and this blog has alot to do with the title as well.
anyway...
"this has got to be the saddest day of my life, I have called you here today for a bit of bad news..."
Well from the start of the past school year untill now. I have been though alot of shit. I have lost, gained, and hated friends or so called friends. Not only that I had to say good bye to alot that I was use to. "its gonna hurt me I can't lie". But alot of things that I had to change to be a better person for myself and some of you may think that I have gotten worse. Then you truly have no idea what the fuck is going on in my head. "please dont stop me untill Im through, this is something I hate to do". But some of you are not ment or made to understand me in how I feel. "many months have passed us by...I gonna miss you, I got ties and so do you, I think this is the thing to do" But thats too bad. To those that are related and un related to me it doesnt fucking matter. I am on path that you cant cut off. "when you turn walk away don't look back.." Becasue I am walking a head of you. Sometimes I wonder, what would my future be like if I decided to stay the way I was years ago. Clueless, defenseless, unaware, unkown, confused. Well I have became a soilder of my own heart and my own spirit. I will be something you will never expect me to be. So I must say to those who are afraid of what I have....
"I wanna rememer you like this lets just kiss and say goodbye, please darling dont you cry lets justkiss and say good bye."
A wonderful song. I may not be about what I have talked about but the quoting sends a strong meassge.
all you gotta do in life is kiss and say goodbye to things you dont need.
Confused more than ever??????
Monday, June 30, 2008
Current mood: confused
Wow seriously. I have been confused about certain situations before. But this one is far more the worst yet. gah!!!!! I hate this. For those of you that all ready know bear with me please! But hopefully soon enough I will figure out what is going in here? Maybe something good or bad will come from this or nothing at akk. But I am still going to stay a head of the game and do me. But I am still going to be open to this. As for this though I may be confused for a longer period of time. I will keep you posted.
Current mood: confused
Wow seriously. I have been confused about certain situations before. But this one is far more the worst yet. gah!!!!! I hate this. For those of you that all ready know bear with me please! But hopefully soon enough I will figure out what is going in here? Maybe something good or bad will come from this or nothing at akk. But I am still going to stay a head of the game and do me. But I am still going to be open to this. As for this though I may be confused for a longer period of time. I will keep you posted.
For those of you that are in relationships
Monday, June 30, 2008
Current mood: annoyed
I don't give a fuck if you are in a relationship or not. Heres the thing. When someone that you are with is fighting with someone especailly if the person that theyare fighting with is one of your friends you need to realize something. Don't completely fuck you friend or friends over. Now I know alot of you care about your lover or what ever and thats fine. But I seriously think that you need to stop agreeing with them just so that they wont get mad at you or they wont fuck you. I am not saying that it's a matter of whos side you take. Learn how to have your own fucking opinions on the situation or stay out of it all together! Who gives a fuck if both people are mad at you becasue most of the time you had nothing to do with the problem at hand. Yes I know the rule homies over hoes, chicks before dicks and so on. Yes that staement is very much true becasue for most of the part your friends have been there longer and sometimes your lover will try to get you away from your friends especially since some of your friends is of the opposite sex. Yes I have done that in the past with friends fighting with friends and taking sides and for the most part its fucking dumb. Over all have your own opinions on a situation. fuck!
Current mood: annoyed
I don't give a fuck if you are in a relationship or not. Heres the thing. When someone that you are with is fighting with someone especailly if the person that theyare fighting with is one of your friends you need to realize something. Don't completely fuck you friend or friends over. Now I know alot of you care about your lover or what ever and thats fine. But I seriously think that you need to stop agreeing with them just so that they wont get mad at you or they wont fuck you. I am not saying that it's a matter of whos side you take. Learn how to have your own fucking opinions on the situation or stay out of it all together! Who gives a fuck if both people are mad at you becasue most of the time you had nothing to do with the problem at hand. Yes I know the rule homies over hoes, chicks before dicks and so on. Yes that staement is very much true becasue for most of the part your friends have been there longer and sometimes your lover will try to get you away from your friends especially since some of your friends is of the opposite sex. Yes I have done that in the past with friends fighting with friends and taking sides and for the most part its fucking dumb. Over all have your own opinions on a situation. fuck!
The heart of mine
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Current mood: focused
The human heart is something we all have. It lives with in our bodies. Pumps blood through our vains. But when it comes to the human soul, it seems that not as many have hearts just like the human bodies. What is having a heart mean to you? Do you ever use your heart for something important? When you do use your heart is it for someone or something? Do you use it to travel within your own soul and find peace? My heart that I have is a heart full of mysteries. My heart is full of, love, hate, sorrow, wonders,hopes,dreams, and the will to be different. Everytime my heart beats is a moment in time where I am living my life or have lived life. Every time my heart beats someone dies. Everytime my heart beats a new fourm of life has been brought into this world. My heart is my decication, motivation, and sucess. My heart is for helping others in a time of need. My heart is what Identifies me. My heart is linked to my soul. My heart keeps my soul living. My heart is more of a human being. My heart is what makes me rhi.
Current mood: focused
The human heart is something we all have. It lives with in our bodies. Pumps blood through our vains. But when it comes to the human soul, it seems that not as many have hearts just like the human bodies. What is having a heart mean to you? Do you ever use your heart for something important? When you do use your heart is it for someone or something? Do you use it to travel within your own soul and find peace? My heart that I have is a heart full of mysteries. My heart is full of, love, hate, sorrow, wonders,hopes,dreams, and the will to be different. Everytime my heart beats is a moment in time where I am living my life or have lived life. Every time my heart beats someone dies. Everytime my heart beats a new fourm of life has been brought into this world. My heart is my decication, motivation, and sucess. My heart is for helping others in a time of need. My heart is what Identifies me. My heart is linked to my soul. My heart keeps my soul living. My heart is more of a human being. My heart is what makes me rhi.
Time
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Current mood: awake
Time. What can I say about it? Well there is a lot to say and almost nothing there. For the past few days I have seriously realized how much everthing around me has changed. Im not saying that it is impossible for any chnage to be made. But the question or questions I often ask myself is how does so much happen to end up a certain way or why. To me it is beyond sad of what I see. Over and over again I often ask myself is so much suffering even real. Well I guess it is. But I know that someday just someday people will learn to understand how I communicate. But I seriously dont know at this moment in time what I can do as far as my surroundings go. But all I know is that I have the power to believe. Believe that time doesnt destroy me. It makes me,. Meaning that what ever happens to me throught the course of time I am ready to face this horrible shocking reality of what we call planet Earth."Keep in time"-Rhimuch love 50n!
Current mood: awake
Time. What can I say about it? Well there is a lot to say and almost nothing there. For the past few days I have seriously realized how much everthing around me has changed. Im not saying that it is impossible for any chnage to be made. But the question or questions I often ask myself is how does so much happen to end up a certain way or why. To me it is beyond sad of what I see. Over and over again I often ask myself is so much suffering even real. Well I guess it is. But I know that someday just someday people will learn to understand how I communicate. But I seriously dont know at this moment in time what I can do as far as my surroundings go. But all I know is that I have the power to believe. Believe that time doesnt destroy me. It makes me,. Meaning that what ever happens to me throught the course of time I am ready to face this horrible shocking reality of what we call planet Earth."Keep in time"-Rhimuch love 50n!
A wonderful day
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Current mood: accomplished
As most of you have known, I have gone through a lot of shit. The visit of my friend since middle school made my day. Even though the visit wasnt just for me, I felt so good on the inside becasue I havent seen any of my true friends from home in such a long time. Every thing we did today went according to plan. The timing was good as well. So yeah I woke up at 7 am and I dont normally like to wake up that early becasue it's not my thing, but after today it was so worth it. Not only that I did my friends a favor in making them happy. But I was so happy becasue for once I got every thing I needed in one day. My friend risked alot to come up here and see us. I just hope he doesnt get in trouble when he gets home. I will find that out later. But I do know that I am not the only one who was pleased with this visit. Everyone had such a good time. I also am glad that toyotas have good gas mileage becasue other wise I would have had to give up extra money to make sure he gets home grr lmfao. But it's all good I had his back and he had mine becasue he helped me out today. Man I tell you today will change all three of us. Even though I had issues yesterday, it's all good because I know that I can do this and having a good day has motivated me more to take care of somethings. What can I say? Today was a good day.
Current mood: accomplished
As most of you have known, I have gone through a lot of shit. The visit of my friend since middle school made my day. Even though the visit wasnt just for me, I felt so good on the inside becasue I havent seen any of my true friends from home in such a long time. Every thing we did today went according to plan. The timing was good as well. So yeah I woke up at 7 am and I dont normally like to wake up that early becasue it's not my thing, but after today it was so worth it. Not only that I did my friends a favor in making them happy. But I was so happy becasue for once I got every thing I needed in one day. My friend risked alot to come up here and see us. I just hope he doesnt get in trouble when he gets home. I will find that out later. But I do know that I am not the only one who was pleased with this visit. Everyone had such a good time. I also am glad that toyotas have good gas mileage becasue other wise I would have had to give up extra money to make sure he gets home grr lmfao. But it's all good I had his back and he had mine becasue he helped me out today. Man I tell you today will change all three of us. Even though I had issues yesterday, it's all good because I know that I can do this and having a good day has motivated me more to take care of somethings. What can I say? Today was a good day.
Heart Broken
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Current mood: disappointed
Over the past few months I have realized alot of things about myself and my surroundings. I try as hard as I can to show that I mean something to someone. But now I dont give a fuck. Because I know who really cares about me. I did all in my power to care for you and in return I dont get respect. Why is it that the people who are often misunderstood the most unique and special? You know I cant deal with all of this pain and suffering. I have for years. But I will have my revenge and this time I will shine. You know I wish people wernt so selfish. Many of the people dont understand why I am so angry all the time. Well I have my reasons. I value my friends but I think at this point in time I have to double check that again. Thank you so much for those of you that care. I know that it's not all about me, but I dont apprecaite it how you just leave me behind without an answer. Well my answer to you is that real friends dont fuck you over. I once told someone that I value my firends as if they were diamonds rare but precious other ones are like fallen leaves they come and go. I ment that when I ment that. I appreciate how true friends take time to talk to you and see how you are holding up or care when you are in times of need. For my real friends out there, I love you guys and thanks for having my back for years and you guys have done so much for me than my family has ever done. For the other ones that I have only known for such a short time thanks for everything so far and I hope that I will be able to maintain a wonderful friendship with you in the future. If not then I'm sorry if you don't want to be a real friend to me then fuck you. My heart is where it stands. So you will see who will have the last laugh you fake mother fuckers.
Current mood: disappointed
Over the past few months I have realized alot of things about myself and my surroundings. I try as hard as I can to show that I mean something to someone. But now I dont give a fuck. Because I know who really cares about me. I did all in my power to care for you and in return I dont get respect. Why is it that the people who are often misunderstood the most unique and special? You know I cant deal with all of this pain and suffering. I have for years. But I will have my revenge and this time I will shine. You know I wish people wernt so selfish. Many of the people dont understand why I am so angry all the time. Well I have my reasons. I value my friends but I think at this point in time I have to double check that again. Thank you so much for those of you that care. I know that it's not all about me, but I dont apprecaite it how you just leave me behind without an answer. Well my answer to you is that real friends dont fuck you over. I once told someone that I value my firends as if they were diamonds rare but precious other ones are like fallen leaves they come and go. I ment that when I ment that. I appreciate how true friends take time to talk to you and see how you are holding up or care when you are in times of need. For my real friends out there, I love you guys and thanks for having my back for years and you guys have done so much for me than my family has ever done. For the other ones that I have only known for such a short time thanks for everything so far and I hope that I will be able to maintain a wonderful friendship with you in the future. If not then I'm sorry if you don't want to be a real friend to me then fuck you. My heart is where it stands. So you will see who will have the last laugh you fake mother fuckers.
Broken Dream
Friday, May 23, 2008
Current mood: awake
Living in a broken dream
Living within the night
Fighting to stay alive
Oh what a shameful fright
Knowing that none is around
Makes you fight to become stronger
Knowing that no one is around
Means that you are alone
Finding answers to all that has been asked,
knowing that you are living life from behind a mask
No one knows the true face of you
The pain,
The suffering,
all you have been through
They will never know how you see the world
They will never know your fears
The pain in my heart is a scar for the world
the world that many live and lie
the pain will remain till I die
I have died inside,
my body is alive as a whole
My broken dream,
my wounded soul
I live in a world that is unreal to me
this is what I call "my sad broken dream"
Current mood: awake
Living in a broken dream
Living within the night
Fighting to stay alive
Oh what a shameful fright
Knowing that none is around
Makes you fight to become stronger
Knowing that no one is around
Means that you are alone
Finding answers to all that has been asked,
knowing that you are living life from behind a mask
No one knows the true face of you
The pain,
The suffering,
all you have been through
They will never know how you see the world
They will never know your fears
The pain in my heart is a scar for the world
the world that many live and lie
the pain will remain till I die
I have died inside,
my body is alive as a whole
My broken dream,
my wounded soul
I live in a world that is unreal to me
this is what I call "my sad broken dream"
Where is Rhiana?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Current mood: adventurous
You know how you use to read the where's waldo books or Where in the world is Carmen San Diego Game? As of right now no one knows of my location of where I am currently Staying accept a few people that I told. This is not a game. I am hiding or staying away for a good reason. As of right now my location is hidden to others accept the people that I have told. I have only told one person in my family but she doesnt know where I am. Why am I hiding? Becasue of the problems that I am having with my family. I feel in a sense that there is no need to tell anyone where I am. I think it would defeat the whole purpose of why I am away. Just to let you guys know I still am alive. I am being supported by some wonderful people and once again I thank them if they are reading this blog. I can go home but I feel like I can't. Which means that I know that I can come back anytime as I please. I am not comming back untill the problem at hand is solved. It is just not a single problem but it is multiple problems. More than anything this so called family of mine needs to be restored after all these years of pain, damage, and suffering. Some people in my family never expected such a thing from me. Well Rhiana has feelings and she is Human too! I am more than hurt emotionally I am heart broken. I am pissed by the fact how my family members are just telling me to get over it as if the thing that happend to me was minor. That is not the case. What happend to me is something that still effects me. I am still disturbed by the fact that my own family in my own home would bring back a horrible part of my past to me. They keep getting mad becasue I will not answer the phone. I have been fucked over so many times and change has to be made for the better. If all of this gets solved I have a few request for my family. I am sorry if everyone feels punised by what I am doing. I miss all of you but I have to do this. This up and comming summer there will be a list of things that need to be completed. I can do this. Here me out I am a child of sturggles. I need to break free of a sad lonley life that I live. If you want to talk to me message of call me. Dont worry I will update you on how things are going. As of right now I am sorry but I can't really tell you where Rhiana is.
-Rhi
Current mood: adventurous
You know how you use to read the where's waldo books or Where in the world is Carmen San Diego Game? As of right now no one knows of my location of where I am currently Staying accept a few people that I told. This is not a game. I am hiding or staying away for a good reason. As of right now my location is hidden to others accept the people that I have told. I have only told one person in my family but she doesnt know where I am. Why am I hiding? Becasue of the problems that I am having with my family. I feel in a sense that there is no need to tell anyone where I am. I think it would defeat the whole purpose of why I am away. Just to let you guys know I still am alive. I am being supported by some wonderful people and once again I thank them if they are reading this blog. I can go home but I feel like I can't. Which means that I know that I can come back anytime as I please. I am not comming back untill the problem at hand is solved. It is just not a single problem but it is multiple problems. More than anything this so called family of mine needs to be restored after all these years of pain, damage, and suffering. Some people in my family never expected such a thing from me. Well Rhiana has feelings and she is Human too! I am more than hurt emotionally I am heart broken. I am pissed by the fact how my family members are just telling me to get over it as if the thing that happend to me was minor. That is not the case. What happend to me is something that still effects me. I am still disturbed by the fact that my own family in my own home would bring back a horrible part of my past to me. They keep getting mad becasue I will not answer the phone. I have been fucked over so many times and change has to be made for the better. If all of this gets solved I have a few request for my family. I am sorry if everyone feels punised by what I am doing. I miss all of you but I have to do this. This up and comming summer there will be a list of things that need to be completed. I can do this. Here me out I am a child of sturggles. I need to break free of a sad lonley life that I live. If you want to talk to me message of call me. Dont worry I will update you on how things are going. As of right now I am sorry but I can't really tell you where Rhiana is.
-Rhi
Emotional breakdown at 2 am
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Current mood: distressed
You know. Last night around 1 got sick. Between that time and 2 am I get frustrated becasue I am in so much pain. I call my cousin on the phone and asked her what can I do becasue I really was not feeling good and I started to cry a little. She gave me a few instructions on what to do and told me to call her back. So I did everything and I called her back. She asked me how I felt and I still said horrible and this is when I start to lose it. Do to the simple fact that I am in a fight with my grandparents I cant call home or be home at this point in time. As some of you know I am having alot of problems becasue of them. I told my cousin on the phone it is ashamed that I cant call home to see if there is anything I can do to get better. Then it got worse I started to talk to my cousin about everything that is going on right now and I started to breakdown and cry. I was almost crying for the whole hour that I was on the phone with her. It wasnt normal crying I started to breathe really heavy at that point in time I completety forgot where I was becasue I was so focused on the conversation. The truth about how I feel about everything came out and I was gone. My cousin is the only person in my family who has had my back since day one. She took care of me when I was younger and now she is at the point in time where my time is limited with her becasue she has a new responsibility that is comming soon. After that I truly know that I am on my own and so on. I seriously stopped to think about where I am in life and what am I doing to break my self free from this situation. But I am glad that there still are a few people there that are willing to help me out and I owe them alot. After talking to my cousin on the phone I felt so much better becasue I knew she was there to talk to me. I woke my roomate up at 4 am and appologized for what happend becasue I felt so horrible there is more to the story on why I felt the need to applogize.So right now at this point in time I have to look forward to this week and make sure I am getting everything done. Thank you all that has helped me so far and I truly appreciate it. I am feeling ok and I mean ok for right now. So if you have any questions just message me or call me.
Thank you,
-Rhi
Current mood: distressed
You know. Last night around 1 got sick. Between that time and 2 am I get frustrated becasue I am in so much pain. I call my cousin on the phone and asked her what can I do becasue I really was not feeling good and I started to cry a little. She gave me a few instructions on what to do and told me to call her back. So I did everything and I called her back. She asked me how I felt and I still said horrible and this is when I start to lose it. Do to the simple fact that I am in a fight with my grandparents I cant call home or be home at this point in time. As some of you know I am having alot of problems becasue of them. I told my cousin on the phone it is ashamed that I cant call home to see if there is anything I can do to get better. Then it got worse I started to talk to my cousin about everything that is going on right now and I started to breakdown and cry. I was almost crying for the whole hour that I was on the phone with her. It wasnt normal crying I started to breathe really heavy at that point in time I completety forgot where I was becasue I was so focused on the conversation. The truth about how I feel about everything came out and I was gone. My cousin is the only person in my family who has had my back since day one. She took care of me when I was younger and now she is at the point in time where my time is limited with her becasue she has a new responsibility that is comming soon. After that I truly know that I am on my own and so on. I seriously stopped to think about where I am in life and what am I doing to break my self free from this situation. But I am glad that there still are a few people there that are willing to help me out and I owe them alot. After talking to my cousin on the phone I felt so much better becasue I knew she was there to talk to me. I woke my roomate up at 4 am and appologized for what happend becasue I felt so horrible there is more to the story on why I felt the need to applogize.So right now at this point in time I have to look forward to this week and make sure I am getting everything done. Thank you all that has helped me so far and I truly appreciate it. I am feeling ok and I mean ok for right now. So if you have any questions just message me or call me.
Thank you,
-Rhi
I feel so horrible
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Current mood: frustrated
I feel bad becasue all of a sudden I had a mood change I went from being positive to being pissed off out of where. I hope I didnt offend my roomate or anyone else that is or was around me. My actions are barbaric. I suddenly wonder why I got so pissed off out of the blue. Yes I still feel very upset about what happend to me on monday and I am very stressed out about my current situation. But I wasnt thinking about that at the moment. A few minutes ago I sepreated myself from my roomate for her own and my own safety. I am not saying that I would hurt anyone but I felt that I was. I need to get things better fast before something happens that I have never expected hopfully my mood will lighten when I get back to my dorm. I have another session tomorrow hopefully I will feel better. Well I am sorry everyone. I have to go.
-Rhiana
Current mood: frustrated
I feel bad becasue all of a sudden I had a mood change I went from being positive to being pissed off out of where. I hope I didnt offend my roomate or anyone else that is or was around me. My actions are barbaric. I suddenly wonder why I got so pissed off out of the blue. Yes I still feel very upset about what happend to me on monday and I am very stressed out about my current situation. But I wasnt thinking about that at the moment. A few minutes ago I sepreated myself from my roomate for her own and my own safety. I am not saying that I would hurt anyone but I felt that I was. I need to get things better fast before something happens that I have never expected hopfully my mood will lighten when I get back to my dorm. I have another session tomorrow hopefully I will feel better. Well I am sorry everyone. I have to go.
-Rhiana
Another sad evening
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Current mood: sad
You know I feel upset again for some random reason. I dont understand what is wrong with me. During these past few weeks I have been having alot of fun. But all of a sudden out of nowhere I am depressed. When I get like this I start to get into very deep thought about my surroundings. Yes I am going to seek help, but I hope if really works becasue I am feeling terrible right now. I know that some of you are crying out and saying "stop it I know you better than this! whats wrong with you?! please just please dont hurt your self!" and so on. My mind let alone my heart is no where in range within my body and spirit. You know, some people tell me that I give out great advice and that I am very helpful to them and yet they dont understand why someone like me can always be depressed. I honeslty dont know.
Current mood: sad
You know I feel upset again for some random reason. I dont understand what is wrong with me. During these past few weeks I have been having alot of fun. But all of a sudden out of nowhere I am depressed. When I get like this I start to get into very deep thought about my surroundings. Yes I am going to seek help, but I hope if really works becasue I am feeling terrible right now. I know that some of you are crying out and saying "stop it I know you better than this! whats wrong with you?! please just please dont hurt your self!" and so on. My mind let alone my heart is no where in range within my body and spirit. You know, some people tell me that I give out great advice and that I am very helpful to them and yet they dont understand why someone like me can always be depressed. I honeslty dont know.
A late night thought
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Current mood: mellow
It late at night. and once again I am doing some serious thinking. This time I am thinking about the relationships and connections that I have with certain people. I know that at times when I want to I help people it comes from my heart. Trying to understand someone vs someone understanding you is a challenge. Because when you find your self in a strange relationsip with a friend, you build the most insane connection. Sometimes I get upset when people dont understand how I get along with differnt people. Sometimes I wish I didnt have the ability to often sense other peoples emotions becasue sometimes it scares then. There is so much more to the story in that I am thinking. But I want to make firends with more people so I can learn what lies within their heart.
I love you all,
rhi rhi
Current mood: mellow
It late at night. and once again I am doing some serious thinking. This time I am thinking about the relationships and connections that I have with certain people. I know that at times when I want to I help people it comes from my heart. Trying to understand someone vs someone understanding you is a challenge. Because when you find your self in a strange relationsip with a friend, you build the most insane connection. Sometimes I get upset when people dont understand how I get along with differnt people. Sometimes I wish I didnt have the ability to often sense other peoples emotions becasue sometimes it scares then. There is so much more to the story in that I am thinking. But I want to make firends with more people so I can learn what lies within their heart.
I love you all,
rhi rhi
Fighting for The day
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Current mood: lonely
Fighting to break free
Lost in my own fears
Drowning in a river of my own tears
pain by day
confort by night
so alone
in this endless fight
how long will it take to stay this way
will karma come and make me pay
for all of my selfish sins day by day
looking at the world of an opposite of I
not wishing but hoping for the day I die
here I lie in endless pain
trying to keep my self so sane.......
Current mood: lonely
Fighting to break free
Lost in my own fears
Drowning in a river of my own tears
pain by day
confort by night
so alone
in this endless fight
how long will it take to stay this way
will karma come and make me pay
for all of my selfish sins day by day
looking at the world of an opposite of I
not wishing but hoping for the day I die
here I lie in endless pain
trying to keep my self so sane.......
Uncontrolled Emotions
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Current mood: depressed
So I’m sad again, this time for no apparent reason. But inside I feel so empty and lonley. I try as hard as I can not to be depressed but everywhere I go and everything I do I always get up set out of no where. I honestly have to ask myself what is wrong with me? I feel like crying and disappearing. I have friends that are very good to me and I appreciate that dearly. Why are these ..led emotions taking over my life. No matter what I do, I can never stay happy. I do my hobbies as usual and laugh every now and then. But yet and still there is an undiscovered emontion in my soul. It’ will not allow me to be happy for long periods of time. As the days go by I wonder more and more about death every single day wondering what would it be like if i died. I need help really bad and I know no one will help me unless I help my self. Even though I am "me" I don’t understsand my self in why I feel like this all the time. I have all ready commited mental suicide and refuse to do the real thing. Becasue I believe that I am alive for a reason but on the inside I am all ready dead. I know that actually being dead wont solve my depression. What do I do?
Current mood: depressed
So I’m sad again, this time for no apparent reason. But inside I feel so empty and lonley. I try as hard as I can not to be depressed but everywhere I go and everything I do I always get up set out of no where. I honestly have to ask myself what is wrong with me? I feel like crying and disappearing. I have friends that are very good to me and I appreciate that dearly. Why are these ..led emotions taking over my life. No matter what I do, I can never stay happy. I do my hobbies as usual and laugh every now and then. But yet and still there is an undiscovered emontion in my soul. It’ will not allow me to be happy for long periods of time. As the days go by I wonder more and more about death every single day wondering what would it be like if i died. I need help really bad and I know no one will help me unless I help my self. Even though I am "me" I don’t understsand my self in why I feel like this all the time. I have all ready commited mental suicide and refuse to do the real thing. Becasue I believe that I am alive for a reason but on the inside I am all ready dead. I know that actually being dead wont solve my depression. What do I do?
Mysteries of the Universe
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Current mood: focused
Every day I think about the mysteries of life and the universe. What lies within these myseries.Some of ment to be solved and others are not. It is never wrong for one to question something they dont know. Sometimes there may be an answer and sometimes there isnt.
It is never wrong to go beyond your limits of wonders within you mind. You always dream about someone or something you no nothing about.
Dont be scared the universe is waiting for you.
Current mood: focused
Every day I think about the mysteries of life and the universe. What lies within these myseries.Some of ment to be solved and others are not. It is never wrong for one to question something they dont know. Sometimes there may be an answer and sometimes there isnt.
It is never wrong to go beyond your limits of wonders within you mind. You always dream about someone or something you no nothing about.
Dont be scared the universe is waiting for you.
My lonley Dream
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Current mood: lonely
Dream of me
as I dream of you
Dream for them
As they Dream of me
Dream of the Sea
as I Dream of the Ocean
Dream of the Sun
As I dream of the moon
Dream of the world
as I dream of the galexy and the universe
Dream of the uknown
as I dream to find the unknown
Dream of the past
as I dream of the future
Dream of love
as I dream to find loves meaning
Dream of being close
as I dream of the distance
As you dream for I
I dream of you
my dream is your dream
your dream is my dream
a dream is more than a thought while sleeping
a dream is but a sign and the unkown
a dream is a dream
and I dream of you Unexpectedly
my lonley dream..
Current mood: lonely
Dream of me
as I dream of you
Dream for them
As they Dream of me
Dream of the Sea
as I Dream of the Ocean
Dream of the Sun
As I dream of the moon
Dream of the world
as I dream of the galexy and the universe
Dream of the uknown
as I dream to find the unknown
Dream of the past
as I dream of the future
Dream of love
as I dream to find loves meaning
Dream of being close
as I dream of the distance
As you dream for I
I dream of you
my dream is your dream
your dream is my dream
a dream is more than a thought while sleeping
a dream is but a sign and the unkown
a dream is a dream
and I dream of you Unexpectedly
my lonley dream..
Lonley planet
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Current mood: depressed
fallen sky
darkness within the distance
prisoner of my heart
free among the world
pain within my bones
tears fallen from my eyes
making bad wishes
having bad dreams
a smile for only so long
happy no longer there
black heart
broken dreams
wishing to be dead at the very scene
goodbye lonley planet
hello unknown world
know nothing of the universe
goodbye lonley planet
goodbye
Current mood: depressed
fallen sky
darkness within the distance
prisoner of my heart
free among the world
pain within my bones
tears fallen from my eyes
making bad wishes
having bad dreams
a smile for only so long
happy no longer there
black heart
broken dreams
wishing to be dead at the very scene
goodbye lonley planet
hello unknown world
know nothing of the universe
goodbye lonley planet
goodbye
One fucked up blog
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Current mood: stressed
This blog is about my mother. Yes this woman has brought me in this world. But she might as well should have gotten an abortion from the way start if she knew that I was not going to be of any importance in her life. It's not just me who has been abandoned it's all of us that are her children. She was lefted me with so many problems and responsibilities where to begin.
First of all I love my mother because she is my mother. If she was of not relation to me and did not bring me into this world then I would just flat out have no respect for her.
I know that there is some of you out there who don't have one because she is dead or you have never meet her. So I truly hope I am not offending anyone in any way. If so, I apologize.
First of all my mother had her first child when she was 17 years old. That was my brother. I have herd different stories about this situation.1) She did not want or knew how to take care of him. 2) My grandparents took him away from her. 3) ect...
Now that tells me right there she missed her first shot at being a real mother to her first born child. Of course she was young at the time and having a child is more than enough for her to handle. Let alone anyone else.
When I was born my mother was 25 years old still young. But this time she had a little more help by a man who is known as my father.
From my understanding I have herd from family members as well as them that the relationship between them went good etc... But the problem was that something happened and until this day I do not know the truth. My parents both told me that one cheated on the other. So that's an unsolved mystery.
The next part is me forever being blind in my left eye. This happened when I was five years old. My mother was outside of the car talking doing whatever not watching me of course! Then in the back seat of the car was a bear bottle and a wrench. A child that sat next to me hit the bottle with the tool and it exploded everywhere and got into my eye. From that moment in time my vision will never be the same.
Now comes the time where my life is fucked up for good. I was told that when my mother was pregnant with me she drank alcohol. She even told me herself! To add on to that is where my education is fucked over for good. Meaning that when I was a little girl I never use to talk to anyone. Which gave the people the impression that I was born retarded. Until it was discovered when I was in the fourth grade that I was not suppose to be in special ed classes. It took me until the 11th grade to be put in normal classes. I find it damn surprising I graduated and made it to college on my own.
Another huge change in my life is when I no longer lived with her as in July 4, 1998. What happened was that on that day is when I had that fear of ever living with her again. I saw a SWAT team with guns and everything. I was so scared I thought I was going to die. It turns out that one of her stupid friends lied and said there was a gun in the house. I did not want to come back with her when that happened. So I ended up being under the care of my grandparents for 8 years.
During that time my mom asked me to live with her. I said no for many reasons. The fact of the matter is she didn't have her shit together at all. She still doesn't until this day. So why should I go back. If she wanted her children back then she should have done it along time ago.
Yes there were a few times that she got an apartment and did good for a while. But then she started inviting those stupid people she calls friends over and gets evicted. But I all ready knew that every single time. On top of that I will never have that bond with my brothers and sister.
The thing I also wanted to bring up is her problem and her problem between me and her. Her main problem is that she is an alcoholic and the she has very high blood pressure and almost died god knows how many times. I have also had that theory that she has been on other drugs. That's fucked up I know. Along with the high blood pressure came her having two minor strokes. I think that it gave her some type of brain damage that makes her act like a child sometimes which drives me fucking crazy. I even got mad and lost my temper about that.
You see the problem between me and her is many things. I hate it when she tells me not to do certain things when I have never even done such things or even come close to it. For an example she got mail in her po box from sharps hospital. On the mail it said for Rhiana Wilson and it had information about pregnancy. She lost her fucking mind thinking that I was pregnant let alone lost my virginity. I got really pissed because normally all mail that is addressed to me is sent to my house. I told her that it was uncalled for.
Another issue I had with my bother me was about the prom situation. She started crying because she could not get me ready. The thing she did not clearly understand was that this whole the was planned in advance before she came into the picture. The main thing was that I was getting my hair done In south east and everyone knows when you are a black female with nappy ass hair like mine you have to go down there in order to get your hair done. I also told her she has another daughter to experience with that. I know that was plain fucked up. On top of that I got into an argument with my grandparents about it.
She was not there for so many things in my life. Especially when I had some of the most important events and meetings and my life. Yet and still my family members say well she did a few nice things for you. That's a few! But it cannot compare to all the bad thing she has done to me.
My grandmother said I have no heart for saying this but this is the truth by all means. My mother is gone so much to the point where I see never see her. To the point where when I do see her my feelings are blank. I have nothing to say. To me it feels like she is dead. I said that if my mother were to die tomorrow it would make no difference. I cried all of my tears a long time ago. So there is nothing else I can do.
So all I have left is my family. My brother was suppose to take care of us. He was unable to. So now I have to take care of my brother add my sister and well as my two nieces. That is a lot of responsibility. My job is to make sure that I am successful and take care of the young ones. I may be in college right now but I know when the time comes I have to take the responsibility off of my grandparents.
You know what is truly sad. I never got to know my mother as the person she truly is. I cannot miss judge her all the way. I don't hate my mother. I just wish I was able to have a real mother who could teach me many values of life. As well as tell me that she loves me as often as I would like to hear. I wish so many things. By the same token you cannot change the past. I will try in the future to get her back on her feet. But first of all I have to take care of my family and make a better future for them.
Current mood: stressed
This blog is about my mother. Yes this woman has brought me in this world. But she might as well should have gotten an abortion from the way start if she knew that I was not going to be of any importance in her life. It's not just me who has been abandoned it's all of us that are her children. She was lefted me with so many problems and responsibilities where to begin.
First of all I love my mother because she is my mother. If she was of not relation to me and did not bring me into this world then I would just flat out have no respect for her.
I know that there is some of you out there who don't have one because she is dead or you have never meet her. So I truly hope I am not offending anyone in any way. If so, I apologize.
First of all my mother had her first child when she was 17 years old. That was my brother. I have herd different stories about this situation.1) She did not want or knew how to take care of him. 2) My grandparents took him away from her. 3) ect...
Now that tells me right there she missed her first shot at being a real mother to her first born child. Of course she was young at the time and having a child is more than enough for her to handle. Let alone anyone else.
When I was born my mother was 25 years old still young. But this time she had a little more help by a man who is known as my father.
From my understanding I have herd from family members as well as them that the relationship between them went good etc... But the problem was that something happened and until this day I do not know the truth. My parents both told me that one cheated on the other. So that's an unsolved mystery.
The next part is me forever being blind in my left eye. This happened when I was five years old. My mother was outside of the car talking doing whatever not watching me of course! Then in the back seat of the car was a bear bottle and a wrench. A child that sat next to me hit the bottle with the tool and it exploded everywhere and got into my eye. From that moment in time my vision will never be the same.
Now comes the time where my life is fucked up for good. I was told that when my mother was pregnant with me she drank alcohol. She even told me herself! To add on to that is where my education is fucked over for good. Meaning that when I was a little girl I never use to talk to anyone. Which gave the people the impression that I was born retarded. Until it was discovered when I was in the fourth grade that I was not suppose to be in special ed classes. It took me until the 11th grade to be put in normal classes. I find it damn surprising I graduated and made it to college on my own.
Another huge change in my life is when I no longer lived with her as in July 4, 1998. What happened was that on that day is when I had that fear of ever living with her again. I saw a SWAT team with guns and everything. I was so scared I thought I was going to die. It turns out that one of her stupid friends lied and said there was a gun in the house. I did not want to come back with her when that happened. So I ended up being under the care of my grandparents for 8 years.
During that time my mom asked me to live with her. I said no for many reasons. The fact of the matter is she didn't have her shit together at all. She still doesn't until this day. So why should I go back. If she wanted her children back then she should have done it along time ago.
Yes there were a few times that she got an apartment and did good for a while. But then she started inviting those stupid people she calls friends over and gets evicted. But I all ready knew that every single time. On top of that I will never have that bond with my brothers and sister.
The thing I also wanted to bring up is her problem and her problem between me and her. Her main problem is that she is an alcoholic and the she has very high blood pressure and almost died god knows how many times. I have also had that theory that she has been on other drugs. That's fucked up I know. Along with the high blood pressure came her having two minor strokes. I think that it gave her some type of brain damage that makes her act like a child sometimes which drives me fucking crazy. I even got mad and lost my temper about that.
You see the problem between me and her is many things. I hate it when she tells me not to do certain things when I have never even done such things or even come close to it. For an example she got mail in her po box from sharps hospital. On the mail it said for Rhiana Wilson and it had information about pregnancy. She lost her fucking mind thinking that I was pregnant let alone lost my virginity. I got really pissed because normally all mail that is addressed to me is sent to my house. I told her that it was uncalled for.
Another issue I had with my bother me was about the prom situation. She started crying because she could not get me ready. The thing she did not clearly understand was that this whole the was planned in advance before she came into the picture. The main thing was that I was getting my hair done In south east and everyone knows when you are a black female with nappy ass hair like mine you have to go down there in order to get your hair done. I also told her she has another daughter to experience with that. I know that was plain fucked up. On top of that I got into an argument with my grandparents about it.
She was not there for so many things in my life. Especially when I had some of the most important events and meetings and my life. Yet and still my family members say well she did a few nice things for you. That's a few! But it cannot compare to all the bad thing she has done to me.
My grandmother said I have no heart for saying this but this is the truth by all means. My mother is gone so much to the point where I see never see her. To the point where when I do see her my feelings are blank. I have nothing to say. To me it feels like she is dead. I said that if my mother were to die tomorrow it would make no difference. I cried all of my tears a long time ago. So there is nothing else I can do.
So all I have left is my family. My brother was suppose to take care of us. He was unable to. So now I have to take care of my brother add my sister and well as my two nieces. That is a lot of responsibility. My job is to make sure that I am successful and take care of the young ones. I may be in college right now but I know when the time comes I have to take the responsibility off of my grandparents.
You know what is truly sad. I never got to know my mother as the person she truly is. I cannot miss judge her all the way. I don't hate my mother. I just wish I was able to have a real mother who could teach me many values of life. As well as tell me that she loves me as often as I would like to hear. I wish so many things. By the same token you cannot change the past. I will try in the future to get her back on her feet. But first of all I have to take care of my family and make a better future for them.
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